Derek Sheen

Fixed it.

#DonaldTrump #FIFAPeacePrize

So Bondi and Kash make a big deal out of arresting the J6 pipe bomber then the guy confesses that he is a Trump supporter who thought the 2020 election was stolen and his lawyer is arguing that Trump’s broadly-worded J6 blanket pardon applies to him and he should go free. Poetry.

HAHAHAHA!!

Bluesky Wrapped and it's how many times your own joke was explained to you

1981: Tommy Tutone hits it big with “867-5309 (Jenny)”.

1986: Tommy Tutone barely charts with “551-23-3546 (Jenny’s Social Security Number)”.

1992: Tommy Tutone fired from label after “995 S. Fairmont St. Calabasas, Ca. 90290 (Jenny’s Address)”.

Well, it’s actually four dementia cheese, but let’s not split hairs.

If you mistake your cognitive exam for an IQ test, you’ve failed your cognitive exam.

Man: “Hey! You got your copper in my fiber optic!”
Woman: “Hey! You put your fiber optic in my copper!”

Voiceover: “Two great elements that…(helicopter crashes into plane on the television)

And not a single follow up question….

“I was just following otters.”

I prefer Renaissance-era Malone. #postmalone

I will give one thousand dollars, cash money, to the first reporter who tells him
to go fuck himself, to his face, the next time he insults them or a reporter in their vicinity. No joke: $1000 American dollars.

He’s so racist, he won’t even brown his meat.

Yes, not wearing slippers will ensure air traffic controllers feel more respected and not delay flights. C'mon people, it's just basic logic.

“Hail Hydra”

I just projectile vomitted my soul from my body.

At this point, I’m guessing Trump’s not only mentioned in the Epstein files, but whatever he did is so fucked up he’s seeing the ghosts now.

HI!! Thank you so much, what an awesome night!!

It turns out that people who caught Trump Derangement Syndrome got herd immunity from stupidity.

I’ve watched Trump eat several Big Macs. If he DID go down on Bill Clinton, I’d hazard a guess that his ‘technique’ was more “Joey Chestnut” and less “Nina Hartley”.

The fact that I’m on MTG’s side is causing me to break out in hives. Did I die? Is this purgatory?

Burns: The Old Testament says there’s nothing new under the sun. On July 4th, 1776, there was. Everybody up to that point had been under authoritarian rule. It was in the interests of their rulers that they be uneducated, that they be superstitious, that they be distracted by conspiracies…

Whatever Trump is desperately covering up about Epstein, it’s clearly so bad that he thinks it could destroy him

I love that Olivia Nuzzi fucked the human equivalent of strep throat and THAT’S what she’ll be remembered for.
I love that for her.

Conservatives a year ago: "Release the Files!"

Conservatives today: "Look, there's a big difference between raping a child and raping an older child. If anything, those girls are lucky that Trump took their virginity so they can't be sacrificed to Baphomet in the Comet Ping Pong basement!"

Dershowitz gonna Dersh

I was banned from Twitter for telling MAGA Todd Starnes, who called for shooting Muslims in the streets, I would gift him a bullet for every stair he could climb without wheezing. Twitter said it was body shaming and a threat. The Left will always eat their own for performative allyship points.

I saw Del Toro’s FRANKENSTEIN late tonight, and I thought it was a pure delight. In the last scene the Creature walked toward the sunrise. Then suddenly, to my surprise…