Jurlæffin’

Not gonna be able to get hard again til the governments funded again… my penis is a government employee

Going to read Bleeding Edge soon so tonight I’ll be Edging until I Bleed

Friday Vibes

Greeting woman for first date and taking off my 9 silly bandz that are each a number arranging them into her social security number on the table and winking at her to demonstrate I will be a partner that remembers important dates and details

Tren de Aragua means train of Aragua. That’s right - just more anti-autism hatred from the Trump administration

The Waldo of Where’s Waldo was a Waldensian. Why is he always wearing the same clothes? Obviously this is due to apostolic poverty.

I should do a right wing grift where I write a book saying I cured myself of AIDS by taking ivermectin not eating seed oils and golfing a lot. Title: “Better Than Positive”

Common misconception; the poor are more liable to lose fingers in various factory/livestock incidents. They are comforted by a friendly face on their reflected mutilation

The Hamburger Helper mascot has only 4 fingers as a hint it’s for poor people

Trying to hit on a gal in the most populated state of India and saying “I may be new to Uttar Pradesh, but I can already tell you’re utterly precious” and everyone thinks I said “udderly” and I am covered with tar and chicken feathers and rode out of town on a rail

My Hurrian oldhead bro is always listening to Hymn to Nikkal and it’s like come on man. Try out a song that came after we started monotheism

Did you know? We have a picture of the Qing era 1800s official behind Kung Pao (really gōng bào; 宫保) chicken, and he looks like the old gigachad image

Whenever I go to Walmart I’m like wow incredible they’re doing an avant garde David Dees themed abstract interactive art exhibit. And they say art is dead

A thing people say to mock Chinese is “ching chong”, written in normal pinyin these sound like qing and chang, with varying interpretable tones. I like to imagine they’re saying qíng 情 and cháng 长, “long passion/emotion”, that they’re unwittingly expressing yearning + goodwill

I don’t care about national security I care about my wallet idiot

Evil dumb bitch wants you to pay more money for worse shit because muh China evil

Destroying the Nordstream 2 pipeline was an act of lecanomancy, the greatest thus far in history. A way to see the future and tear it asunder at once, shoving a shattered kaleidoscope into an eyeball

Hot women at the fair think it’s attractive when you visibly struggle with the minor sized seat and constraints of a ride

Enjoying the carnival on this first beautiful day of American perestroika.

A strange complaint I know but: they should make flags out of some weather resistant silken feeling material. Stroked some American flags people had on their mailboxes on my walk today; felt cheap, plastic, insulting, vulgar

They are going to try to use biological warfare to cull undesirables and act like it’s nature taking its course, like with AIDS but way more effective due to better genetic tech. The ONLY thing that would result in this not happening is them being too stupid to organize it. If they can, they will

The women in paradise described in the Quran are clearly described as having large anime style eyes. I take no pleasure in reporting this

Cerulean Coast

Prediction: Sharp uptick in “You’re Next” style events happening over the next 4 years. TBD the movie

Just took a which sonic character are you test and I got 100% Shadow. So keep that in mind before you lip off to me

Think it would be a good bit to install silk over my lazyboy office chair desk armrests, and stroke them in an intense, sensual way during meetings

Oh what I would give to be in beautiful Dongtian Scenic Area today

Drink idea: it’s called “building seven” and it’s fireball shot dropped in steel reserve