Mario Kart Garfunkel

Made me do the ASVAB and now there’s an army recruiter trying to groom me

Hell yeah, congrats!

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to bomb this elementary school full of kids because he thinks it makes him look cool. also his scheming viziers will be betting money on it for fun. good luck soldier

Any day now, President Xi

Daylight morbing time throws me off every year

High school student: “Yeah, I’m tardymaxxing so I can detentionmog on all these good-attendance-cels.”

If any of you put that picture of RFK and that other old creep posing shirtless on my timeline again I will put legos in your socks

Playing this as a kid, I had a strategy guide for GS 1 & 2, and I remember deferring to it a lot for this dungeon.

“It’s okay that the water is getting slightly warm. It’s not even close to boiling yet. We’ll be fine.”

Richard *Axel Rose voice* Hanananananananania

Never heard of a whole store for lefties but I’ve def seen lefty school supplies like scissors and notebooks

Just because you COULD go to Epstein Island doesn’t mean you SHOULD

It bears repeating that Tom Homan is a fucking psycho and Greg Bovino's exile means functionally nothing when it comes to what's happening on the ground in Minnesota.

Super Bowl attendee trying desperately to watch the TPUSA halftime show, unable to hear his phone over the Bad Bunny performance

Maybe necks year

Didn’t we have this discourse last year?

Football… the Great American Asstime…

The only “Fanduel” I care about is when another “fan” of Yu-Gi-Oh challenges me to a “duel”

No Kings includes Draft Kings

Instead of spending all your money on “Draft Kings,” you should focus on finishing your “rough draft, kings”

Hey sports betters, what are the odds of JD Vance making a Superb Owl post today

(tune of “Love Me Like You Do”)
Butt pee diaper poo
Butt butt butt pee diaper poo

somebody’s sweet plums are crowding my icebox

somebody’s cold plums are giving me chills

Quit your job, and maybe your life too

There are no words to describe what the groundhog saw today. “Winter doesn’t matter,” said the rodent when asked for comment.

[me, losing my mind]

ON THE CHAISE LONGUE, ON THE CHAISE LONGUE, ON THE CHAISE LONGUE, ALL DAY LONG, ON THE CHAISE LONGUE. ON THE CHAISE LONGUE, ON THE CHAISE LONGUE, ON THE CHAISE LONGUE, ALL DAY LONG, ON THE CHAISE LONGUE.

The three commas in the logo ahahahahhahahaha you are not serious people

@birdrespecter.bsky.social thought you might like to see this

Not the worst thing here, but it’s especially irritating that the every email Epstein sent to people was like

so who are u brigig wehn yuo come bakc 2 my islnad ?..

Wait is this one real?