“I’m always up for some antics”
05.03.2026 03:46 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0“I’m always up for some antics”
05.03.2026 03:46 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0*cop starts breakdancing*
05.03.2026 03:44 — 👍 5 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0welcome to [INSERT AGE GROUP HERE], you write posts like this now
05.03.2026 03:43 — 👍 9 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0That
05.03.2026 03:06 — 👍 2 🔁 1 💬 0 📌 0
*cartwheels in*
Whoa, wrong joke format.
*cartwheels out*
tell me you use joke formats without telling me you use joke formats
(something something coffee and Mondays)
put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format
05.03.2026 02:57 — 👍 239 🔁 60 💬 6 📌 0
These boots were made for walkin'
These shorts were made for cargo
This shirt was made for polo
These socks were made for lovin'
I've been vulnerable before. Zero stars.
04.03.2026 02:23 — 👍 55 🔁 24 💬 0 📌 0if I could travel through time I'd do so much cool shit like go back and properly mic the snare drum when the outfield was recording 'your love'
04.03.2026 21:57 — 👍 18 🔁 7 💬 3 📌 0I fear the Epstein Files are now just a "distraction" from WW3.
04.03.2026 08:49 — 👍 15 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0
[at a spider wedding]
congratulations to the newlywebs
a sex toy collection is like a horror movie villain: thrilling and much scarier when your imagination is doing most of the work. seeing all 27 cooking utensils and a bag of assorted LEGO kinda kills the mood
04.03.2026 15:41 — 👍 25 🔁 6 💬 1 📌 0i’m sad can you please hug me with music or your body for a minute
04.03.2026 04:53 — 👍 83 🔁 18 💬 9 📌 0I am officially no longer down with the sickness
04.03.2026 07:23 — 👍 95 🔁 25 💬 8 📌 1I'm not depressed. I just hate everyone and everything
03.03.2026 15:43 — 👍 142 🔁 43 💬 8 📌 2*sensing a single loose hair somewhere on my body* I am superhuman
01.03.2026 15:58 — 👍 165 🔁 44 💬 4 📌 0It hurts my feelings checking someone’s ID & they were born the year I graduated from high school
03.03.2026 23:39 — 👍 75 🔁 17 💬 8 📌 4Pastor of Muppets is this anything
04.03.2026 19:13 — 👍 99 🔁 31 💬 11 📌 2Someone just tried to run me down in a 711 parking lot to get to a Japanese mayonnaise and egg sandwich.
04.03.2026 16:00 — 👍 52 🔁 16 💬 3 📌 0figment is short for fig newtonment
04.03.2026 07:15 — 👍 68 🔁 24 💬 4 📌 2Timely reminder that "quagmire" is a really fun word to say, but a really bad thing to drag your country into.
02.03.2026 14:00 — 👍 12 🔁 4 💬 3 📌 0Today is a wonderful day to be an outcast.
04.03.2026 22:25 — 👍 22 🔁 10 💬 0 📌 0
[updating my dating profile]
Just an old rolling stone who rolled over the hill
I 100% wouldn’t want to relive my entire childhood experience but a bit of the whimsy wouldn’t be nice
04.03.2026 17:59 — 👍 10 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0but i only came a-knockin' because the armored truck was not a-rockin', your honor.
04.03.2026 19:39 — 👍 14 🔁 6 💬 0 📌 0Sorry I can't make it. The rest of the week is looking super busy: Today is Prince spaghetti day. Tomorrow I fashion a shillelagh from a cursed oak burl. Friday is the timberdoodle show beneath the moon
04.03.2026 14:56 — 👍 119 🔁 42 💬 10 📌 0The best sound in the world.
01.03.2026 02:41 — 👍 43 🔁 10 💬 0 📌 2I believe in you, squid tits!
03.03.2026 06:14 — 👍 33 🔁 13 💬 0 📌 0