Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon
10.03.2026 03:16 — 👍 257 🔁 66 💬 3 📌 0Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon
10.03.2026 03:16 — 👍 257 🔁 66 💬 3 📌 0“it’s international women’s day & i have to make breakfast for you?” i say to me, an international women’s. “this is bullshit,” i reply to me , an international women’s . did I mention im an international women’s ? ya, it me, international w
08.03.2026 16:12 — 👍 50 🔁 12 💬 0 📌 0
olive oyl: popeye, help!!
crude oil: stfu, ya skank
[annnnnnd, send 👻]
A large complex of assorted wooden hideaways, cardboard box, grass hut and a tunnel on a cleaner area rug.
Fort Asshole has been restored.
08.03.2026 23:19 — 👍 24 🔁 5 💬 0 📌 0happy born day my friend
10.03.2026 03:15 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0the existence of bigfoot implies the existence of littlefoot and i'd much rather find that little cutie pie
09.03.2026 12:03 — 👍 16 🔁 6 💬 2 📌 0“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.
09.03.2026 15:31 — 👍 108 🔁 43 💬 2 📌 0Sorry. Still reeling from the time change.
09.03.2026 05:48 — 👍 25 🔁 7 💬 0 📌 0Nothing has been saved. Where is our daylight savior, I am sleepy and grouchy
08.03.2026 14:22 — 👍 39 🔁 12 💬 0 📌 0Nobody’s talking about cranberry sauce anymore. I see how it is. Cool cool
10.03.2026 00:18 — 👍 75 🔁 19 💬 11 📌 0
*Gets your attention saying we really needa talk*
Ok first of all—my tummy hurts.
Just gonna sit here, avoid as much interaction as possible, and run out the clock
06.03.2026 13:55 — 👍 18 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0Sorry I ruined your misconception of me by being myself
28.01.2026 02:12 — 👍 74 🔁 35 💬 0 📌 0
This hit my nerdish sweet spot 😉
07.03.2026 05:08 — 👍 104 🔁 34 💬 3 📌 0Can’t, trying to scrub a reflection off the wall.
07.03.2026 06:41 — 👍 17 🔁 9 💬 0 📌 0it’s like they say: a woman needs a man like a country needs a warmongering serial killer pedophile for a president
08.03.2026 04:55 — 👍 361 🔁 62 💬 2 📌 0[Morrissey voice]
08.03.2026 05:31 — 👍 32 🔁 8 💬 0 📌 0
YOU: it’s International Women’s Day
TRUMP SUPPORTERS: why isn’t there an International Little Girls’ Day
good. draft the president, his entire family, his administration, and his supporters first
09.03.2026 23:44 — 👍 34 🔁 8 💬 2 📌 1
INTERNET : Punch Goes Viral For Finally Fighting His Bullies
ME: [deep sigh, rubs temple] “THIS MONKEY IS PUNCHING BACK” WAS RIGHT THERE
Remind me to never grocery shop without a list (on weed)
09.03.2026 05:51 — 👍 65 🔁 21 💬 8 📌 0My ex-girlfriend is a vegetarian, which kind of makes me an ex-vegetarian.
08.03.2026 23:34 — 👍 30 🔁 9 💬 1 📌 0I just don't want the lattes to be lonely.
09.03.2026 18:39 — 👍 10 🔁 7 💬 0 📌 0Copernicus: what have you done
08.03.2026 14:41 — 👍 11 🔁 5 💬 0 📌 0Five secretions to get to know me by:
09.03.2026 17:49 — 👍 63 🔁 25 💬 2 📌 1okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie
08.03.2026 15:01 — 👍 131 🔁 42 💬 5 📌 0before saving daylight its important to take time to save yourself
09.03.2026 06:47 — 👍 63 🔁 22 💬 1 📌 0what is it about every picture of Ryan Adams that makes you wanna go "man, fuck that guy"
09.03.2026 07:01 — 👍 59 🔁 5 💬 9 📌 2First time I tried assembling IKEA furniture without the instructions. Halfway through I realized the instructions weren’t for the furniture. They were for me…
07.03.2026 03:22 — 👍 14 🔁 5 💬 0 📌 0i read my 6yo niece some of your skeets and she said your jokes are mid and need more poop
09.03.2026 05:38 — 👍 180 🔁 42 💬 12 📌 2