Grant Tanaka

wish we were the last gen that had to deal with this shit my friend

[raises confidently american hand]
it’s “goddammit”

[man having heart attack during flight]
Flight Attendant: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Me: [raising hand] it’s not a house, it’s an airplane

Bear with me: a couch that serves sandwiches so you don’t have to get up to make one. No I don’t know how it works, I’m an ideas person not an engineer fuck off

ARE YOU A TERRORIST, CHRIS? NO I AM A SAGITTARIUS. I PROMISE YOU THIS ISN'T EVEN THE STUPIDEST THING I AM GOING TO YELL AT YOU TODAY.

(after sex )

him: technical difficulty
me: skill issue

The image is a screenshot of a mobile chat interface titled "Pretty Pill Orga..." It shows a single message from the user asking, "Where are the links, fuck face?" with a loading icon beneath it, indicating the AI is still processing the request even though they’ve been given the same request four separate times :/

INTERVIEWER: So tell me about any weaknesses

ME: I suppose if anything, I’m guilty of being a natural-born leader - I have very high expectations, and I can be a bit obsessive about motivating my team

rage against mr. clean

that shiny headed muscleboi only has one good song and it’s renegades of gunk

Spilling fresh coffee in my lap only to find it isn't even hot enough to scald me is why I have trust issues.

Talking to him like he’s jr or Eric. Lmao

i’ve reheated the same cup of tea four times today and each time the microwave beeped, i opened the refrigerator door

i read something off a card and kept repeating it to myself so i could remember to type it out and only realised after a delay that i was saying 2006 to myself instead of 2026 and that's how sharp my brain is today

thawing frozen turds in the kitchen sink is this anything

Accidentally blew my nose with a Clorox wipe and now I have a blonde mustache

Is it one of those situations where you're thinking you benefitted something but an old wise voice over says it was actually a graceful humility to you? And where even does the voice come from, pipes?

I’m so glad I drive to my office twice a week to look at my manager’s closed door

My daughter was telling us of the argument she was having with her manager at McDonalds. He was saying racist stuff and she called him out. Others backed down but she didn’t. The force is strong with this one.

Star Trek writers: We are thinking of a character named Geordi La Forge. Maybe an engineer?

Gene Roddenberry: Advisor.

Star Trek writers: Add visor? Okay.

And they shall know me by the trail of sesame seeds from my morning bagel.

person who never heard of bluesky: so what do you do all day
me: im on bluesky
pwnhob: huh?
me: im on bluesky it’s like twitter which is now called “X” or “X, formerly known as twitter” bc c’mon nobody says “X” that’s a dumb name and
pwnhob: jfc stfu i was just being polite i don’t really give a

“more troops will likely die. i don’t get bored. ooh look! curtains!”
- PO(tu)S

Ooooo I saw a chipmunk earlier in the neighbor’s yard. I told him to go the fuck back down his hole.

Nobody says "But her emails!" anymore.

I'm getting stoned, playing records, and fighting fruit flies for the rest of the day. ✌️

launching a satellite solely to unlock the secrets of your shitposting

My love for you is like the organ riff in Worked Up So Sexual by The Faint

few people know this but wireless chargers were inspired by technological advances in the bra industry

You are enough. We don't need more of you.

Can't, redecorating my crying cave