Grant Tanaka

congrats on reversing the nosferatu

aww what a lovely thing to say, also, nice to meet you

quit smoking weed last week and just realized that “remembering shit” isn’t a superpower

I miss you.....
No, not you. You're a moron

Better warm up the toaster. That gluten-free bread you bought yesterday is already devolving to its original form (dust & twigs.)

the ceo of goodyear is on tiktok rn chewing on a big ass tire

i used to smoke cigarettes. candy cigarettes. then i went on the patch. sour patch. now im clean. mr clean . in this ted talk, i will

Would it be neato if I eat some Fritos and wear a Speedo under my tuxedo?

I didn’t punch the bitch just chatting on her cell while we all waited for her to finish the self checkout

Therapist: any other good deeds this week?

It's just a little town around you with the scientific definition of an aura, and if an actual ice cream parlor on a main street can't verify it then it's not inspiring your nostalgic emanating utopia anyhow

Nelson using Milhouse's fist to hit him with whilst also filming him. Nelson is saying "Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself."

Nelson then demanded Milhouse's unconditional surrender

I will buy you all the margaritas you want if you will get ready and go to dinner with me, he said, so of course I said yes

I like it when food is in a rectangular bowl. I can eat like I'm highlighting text in a book.

Mozart was composing masterpieces aged 5, Picasso finished his first oil painting at 8, and Joan of Arc lead the French to victory at Orléans when only 17, while I just watched my 17yo scratch her eye whilst pointing at a cloud.

I think it’s safe to start blowing the college fund on beer and pizza.

A sign reads "Please wait patiently for the failure of the system" with Chinese characters above.

our patience has been rewarded

I understand that, when my dog stops on our walks to sniff every goddamn twig and each freakin’ blade of grass, she is decoding, deciphering, and analyzing the complicated world around her, but what I can’t quite figure out is exactly what she plans on doing with that information.

For a small subscription fee I will tell you if an account gives me the jeebies

that moment when you find yourself explaining that a lot of people are kinda dumb 𝘵𝘰 someone that's kinda dumb.

I’m glad our thoughts don't appear in bubbles above our heads otherwise I would be in jail or a mental hospital

“man cereal: two scoops of semen in every box”

Tbh the only person i told I was skipping town was my doctor

There is no greater lie than "Someday."

who called it horse shit when whinny the poo was right there

WEED STORES SHOULD SELL SNACK CHIPS, YOU DUMB WEED STORE PROPRIETORS

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

Hit all these moods today

chin up, my babies it’s never too late to obtain ass-eating certification

little girls are taught to yell “FIRE!” instead of “HELP” if someone is harming or trying to abduct them. i think they should be taught to bellow “DEATH TO ALL MANKIND” instead.

Pause for a moment to think of all the pets affected by this hideous war: those killed in the blasts, and those abandoned by people fleeing the region.

gas is up sixty plus cents per gallon in the last few days, but I'm sure that has nothing to do with our carrying an illegal and immoral war of distraction..

right?