Avon Caulin

Hats are oppressive, let your scalp breathe & the baldy patch thrive, geez.

For 99 years, my church, St Martin in the Fields, has been raising money through a BBC radio appeal to help the homeless at Christmas time. We help not just people in London, but all over the UK. Dig deep, folks.

smitfc.org/christmas/

Great but the fix ain't in, going round for another pass, the 'Agadoo' worms are powerful and mighty, the WPGR worms fear them (but press on regardless).

"So I guess we'll tell them you had nobody to go with!"
"Just drive, Dave."
"Sometimes you're just no fun, Tommy."
"You gotta stop calling me that, Dave. I'm a fucking saint."
"Not with a mouth like that you ain't, Tommy."

Playing at full vol rn, preparing worm cocoons as I listen 🤣😭

Ahhh, takes me back to a glorious summer spent packing greetings cards in a warehouse, with local radio blaring out to help us along. I know all the words... push pineapple shake the tree... To the left, to the right...

Thanks. Really, thanks a LOT. 😐

Swan Lake on the telly? Everything fine then.

Still looking for witnesses if you are near Swindon and able to share with friends and neighbours

💪👍🫡

Kevin Eldon's Speakers A monthly dose of magnificently produced twaddle and guff. Speakers - a podcast by Kevin Eldon and Martin Bird. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 1 is available now. If you've not heard it yet EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

And by that, we of course mean that you can find it here: podfollow.com/kevin-eldons...

Mark Rothko, Latvian-American, (1903-1970), Untitled, 1949, pigmented hide glue and oil on canvas, 204.15 x 168.6 x 5.08 cm, National Gallery of Art, Washington, DC, USA

(D singing: 🎶 the retuu-uurn of the pump green trunk
blowing farts in to air pies...🎶)

Indeed. I wish some presenters were a bit more on the ball when it comes to pointing out the double standards & distortions of facts these hard right bullshitters always use. Shouting at the radio here 🤬

But they're "centre-right" views so that's all fine then. 🙄.

with the matching itchy rug. Johnson, or Baldy Boris the Boiled Egg as he's now beeing dubbed, is said to be very pleased with the matted clump of plughole hair he's won, and Carrie's suing for divorce in a particularly revealing and salacious legal action, also to be serialised in the Express.

Well! A naughty cardinal invoking spells from a juvenile and malodorous Satanic floater... Okayyy

7: Photographic evidence has been published in the Express of Boris Johnson and Michael Fabricant swapping wigs in a Wesminister Syrup party where everyone throws their combs into a bowl & goes home

they truly are by the world's population and in return have forsworn the consumption of human flesh and instead taken up veganism and Buddhism and pooled their resources to work for World Peace and Love and the promotion of broccoli to a primary food source (well, it's a start eh).

And what's this, a lizard with a typewriter? Well, let's see...

6: It turns out that, as "V" foretold, every world leader & all the members of the important governments have pulled off their rubber human faces to reveal their true reptilian identity but in a plot twist, have been accepted for what

And I see a shy retiring squirrel holding his tiny paw up there, this one's easy (and VEERY evilll)...

5: Mr Squigg, you have been unanimously voted both Prime Minister AND President of Wulferhampton by the entire denizen corpus (yes, all of them). Take a bow and have a macadamia nut.

free vaccinations available to all & masking in public mandatory whenever the coach lady is out in public, on pain of death. By covid.

(This is a bit of a lively spell & it looks like it may break out of Swe & spread to the rest of the world. A sort of anti-pandemic, if you will.)

Ooo me little spell machine's working overtime today isn't it... an encore requested by the trainee penguin bus driver, let's see what we can do then...

4: The entire Swedish health ministry have come down with long covid, had a complete change of heart & are drawing up legislation to make

One from the glamorous sunset there so...

3: POTUS has just appeared at a Whitehouse window & shouted "OK, it's true, I'm in love with Vladdy & I can't resist his tiny sweaty body, we're going to live together in the Kremlin and keep sheep and ducks and piggys. Kamala's in charge now, deal with it"

the skirt tomorrow.

2: Elton Musk has invented an AI that *always tells the truth*, spent ten minutes talking to it & has decided to join a commune in Wales and give all his money to Comic Relief and the PDSA. (That was a tough one)

📢 NEXT!

Tell you what, one like = one evil wish. Two so far, so I've put me little red thinking cap on, waggled the little horns and turned round three times and...

1: Nigel Garage got dressed in a hurry & put his girlfriend's pants on by mistake & now finds he rather likes it. He's thinking of trying

a little boy in a devil costume is smiling ALT: a little boy in a devil costume is smiling

Oo 'ello 👋👋👋, did somebody speak my name?

Sorry about the sulphurous pong, we had roast chicken dinner last night & it was a bit past it's sell-by date 🫢 but I'm here now to grant three *evil* wishes, free and gratis. Can't say fairer than that now can you.