Matt Keeley

Women hold toddlers in dating profile pictures like men do with fish

Prince Rupert’s Titty Drop

If you want to crack down on child grooming, may I point you to Christian homeschooling organizations?

Nicknaming every department head his Czar doesn’t really help with the whole “not a Russian asset” story

Corporate April Fools jokes be like, “Our customers are not the most valued, appreciated, and respected people in the world tee hee 👉👈”

For the optimists, I try to remember that historic precedence usually shows the forces of bigotry and regression push back the hardest right before the biggest advances occur

I’ve been working on improving my credit score, and it’s so rewarding to see. All of my cards have Outstanding Balance

I overheard someone talking about being a member of a youth peer support network, or YPS, and I swear all I heard was WIPEY ASS

Ctrl + F “minorities” replace with “DEI”

‘Member how the Republican Party gleefully started using Laken Riley once they could frame her murder to advance their political agenda? I feel like that same policy argument can apply to the Reagan Airport collision, but yanno with a commercial airplane’s worth of preventable deaths.

Q: How many illegal presidential actions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Sorry, it’s not illegal if the president does it

Getting involved in hobbyist stock trading has instilled in me that the wealthy ghouls who run the world have an active incentive to wreck the economy every few years to buy up cheap commodities

For so many of these ghoulish policies, the cruelty is the point. It’s the culmination of decades of no clear political vision other than to make the opposition upset. To them, it’s a zero-sum game where someone has to suffer, so it better be someone else.

They turned geography into Freedom Fries

It isn’t truly a cover of Happy Xmas (War is Over) without the out of tune children’s choir

Me: I should do my part and try to listen to some contemporary musicians to stay in touch.

Pulls up Dave Blunts

*homophobic lyrics in the first three songs right away
*average song length 1:37
*somehow autotuned and still off-key

mantis shrimp
mantis shrimp
not a mantis or a shrimp
is he strong?
rocket punch
eats a crab
for his lunch
look out!
here comes the mantis shrimp

a young man is standing with his arms crossed and smiling while wearing a hoodie and a white shirt . ALT: a young man is standing with his arms crossed and smiling while wearing a hoodie and a white shirt .

Pro: got the first non-equity signup slot and was in the first group in the room!

Con: 6am wake-up brain got me

HOLLYWOOD UPDATE: The Winner of This Weekend’s Box Office is… AVENUE Q?

Oooh sorry I can’t go out, I’ve still got to sit and dissociate for three hours

*The call disconnects*

Me: What?

The caller: Aaaaaaandrew Tate

*click, the faint hum of an AC unit in the background*

Me: “who’s calling?”

*five seconds of silence*

Me: “Who is it?”

THREAD: I’ve been getting an uptick of spam calls the past week, so when I got one this afternoon I answered hoping to tell off the person on the other end. Here’s how it went

I pronounced it phonetically KISS KISS KISS

People You May Know recommendations be like, hey remember that promising date who ghosted you? You wanna be friends now?