The United States runs its democracy like it's roller derby.

Places in DC near the Washington Monument that have "Orange Chicken"

One thing to think about, if we criminalize taking bears into retirement homes, then only criminals will be able to take bears into retirement homes.

Wonder how many people Trump is negotiating foreign policy and tariffs with, that have children and other relatives going to Harvard and other Ivy League schools ?

a close up of a dog 's face smiling with its eyes closed . ALT: a close up of a dog 's face smiling with its eyes closed .

You are strong, inspiring and wonderful. The world is enriched by your presence, and I hope that today you feel the love and joy that you yourself so generously give away.

ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers

ICE Opens New Supermax Detention Center For Most Hardened Toddlers
theonion.com/ice-ope...

The recession is coming, folks: My wife bought us off-brand dyer sheets. No more pictures of seascapes or teddy bear mascots and rainbows on the box. It’s just a black & white drawing of a man alone in a room, sitting at a table with a Bible and a gun.

At this juncture I’d like to point out:
* we’re on the brink of a golden age of medical healing
* there’s enough money in the world to solve every problem in the world
* a united approach could stop the climate crisis
But a small group of sociopaths seeking personal power are going to throw it away.

Politician: Birth rates are plunging. We have to do something

Me: This can of baby formula costs $50. Can you fix that?

Politician: We are making a $100 million Super Bowl ad for the uterus

a teenage mutant ninja turtle meeting the power rangers

Me in the National Security team group chat

Holy shit, this whole fucking thing was just a psyop by Greta Thunberg to get Republicans to buy electric cars, and it worked! That kid's a genius!

It’s amazing to find out at this late date how much the rule of law depended on people simply deciding, on a voluntary, daily basis, not to break the law.

They called him Sleepy Joe because we could sleep at night.

You could live in the holiest town in PA if you buy it and you would know where all the bad girls are.

1. Trump declares tariffs that tank the stock market.

2. Trump and Musk buy cheaper stocks.

3. Trump rescinds tariffs, reviving the stock market.

4. Trump and Musk sell more expensive stocks.

Wilson Fisk running for Mayor of New York is an insane storyline. Like NYC would really have a criminal for its mayor #Daredevil

I’m starting to think history needs to reevaluate Nero. I think having a leader who fiddled while his nation burned would be comforting as opposed to one who was pouring kerosene on all the buildings.

What he said about Social Security payments has been repeatedly debunked - so the question isn’t whether he’s lying about this, the question is why.

What is this a pretext for? He and the GOP have long shown interest in going after Social Security. What are they going to try?

2017: At least he'll be great for comedy.

2025: At least he'll be great for mental health professionals.

Our stock market is crashing.

Our economy is contracting.

Our government is dismantling.

Our allies are fleeing.

Our grocery prices are rising.

But at least we now call it "The Gulf of America."

So it all evens out.

“Why would you buy something that’s just going to lose value?” Cecilia Ullman, Parquet Installer

Trump Plans To Sell $5 Million Gold Card Visa To Attract Rich Foreigners
theonion.com/trump-p...

Any lovely foreign ladies out there looking to save 20% on the cost of a Gold Card? I’m single, have a great job, and a natural born US citizen. My hobbies include taxidermy and collecting novelty mugs. If you want to be a citizen, why not go first class?

To everyone in my mentions who said "surely they wouldn't be so foolish as to forget to create a spam filter for anything that's not a .gov email":

Lol.

After playing a fictional member of the Resistance a long time ago, I never could have imagined it ever happening in real life, but here we are.

Okay, I see that I made a mistake about the Eagles football team boycotting the White House and not the band. I apologize for the confusion. I haven’t been this embarrassed since the whole Cincinnati Bangles incident a few years back.

Go F Yourself Eagles. Glenn Frey was the talented one and you haven't had a song anybody cared about since the early 1990s. #EaglesBoycott

'Reacher' Star Unloads On 'Motherf**ker' Former Classmate Matt Gaetz In Blistering Rant Tell us how you really feel.

Don't hold back now.

Matt gaetz shilling ivermectin

In case anyone wondered what Matt Gaetz is up to these days