Spicy Bonus Content

get their ass Norman Library

Please stop with all the jokes, this was a simple misstatement.

Eric Trump meant to say, "You can send $500 million worth of bitcoin on a Sunday night at 11pm while having a glass of wine to PURCHASE a wife for virtually zero fees."

People talk about this guy like he's some kind of hero, well then why did they name Cincinnati, Ohio after him, huh? That's what the gods do to punish you.

President Obama, Vice-President Biden, Sec. Clinton, and other Obama administration officials watch the raid that killed Osama bin Laden unfold in the Situation Room.

See when YOU, a naïve dummy, hear "Situation Room" you probably think of something like this.

But mostly presidents just use it to try to keep a lid on stories about them hanging out on a private island with naked sex-trafficked teenagers, as the Founders intended.

I'm trying not to be too explicit here, but for a guy like Trump, "affair" = "someone I can fuck" and "fuck" requires a physical state he probably hasn't been able to attain since before his first term.

He surrounds himself with 20-something blondes and ogles them because that's all he can do.

cursed DLC

HISTORIANS: …

HISTORIANS: uh…

HISTORIANS: [sweating profusely]

HISTORIANS: [full shout echoing through the archive] THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS

(j/k historians, I know you don't do that as much anymore)

I love a good meet-cute over dental trauma (which is how I'm choosing to interpret this)

It feels weird to see you post a number without the estimate number.

* HOUSE PANEL RELEASES 4Q EPSTEIN DOCS 20K, EST. 18K

"I think you should let him hang himself."

Now friends, I'm not the most conspiratorial fella out there, but given that (a) "hanging himself" was how Epstein died while (b) Donald Trump was president who (c) would have been made fully aware of this e-mail…

uh…

just saying, it paints a picture.

Haha what a piece of shit, and yet that last sentence… you gotta admit, he could tell which way the wind was blowing.

I'm not saying anything you don't already know but I don't think it's the, uh, "Nordic Pagans" with beards that he's most bothered by.

Newsom reclining on a rug with his then-wife Kimberly "I've since done coke off Donald Trump Jr.'s dick" Guilfoyle

If only.

I don't care how smart he is, I bet I know way more math than this pre-K kid, and I will be presenting myself to his parents fort the affection that I deserve more than he does.

And it sounds like they're socio-emotionally intelligent enough for that to work!

Fetterman has learned of our plot to steal his balls, but no matter. We press on, and we stop at nothing until we have taken Fetterman's balls, for the glory of the Left!

Jared Jeffries on the court in a Knicks uniform

no no no, journeyman power forward Jared Jeffries

well he's had a busy couple of days, huh?

haha holy shit, he's still alive?

well, good job finally wrangling some attention, buddy. gotta say "piss-hands guy" is a huge step up reputationally from your usual, so kudos there too

Now I want to see Travis Kelce with his arm around Sabrina Carpenter, for scale.

I am not a weirdo.

They can't strike (Reagan), they won't sabotage (they're not the psychopaths Trump is), and they're already quitting faster than they can be replaced.

But if they want to stir some shit up, there's Work to Rule, and BOY HOWDY is ATC ripe for it.

It's got 300 million rows so it loads real slow. I'm sure that's the only reason why he hasn't cut those $10,000 Trump Loyalty Checks already, which are DEFINITELY coming, you bet.

Every day I drive by a shantytown filled with qualified air traffic controllers. I see them lining up at the airport, begging for a day's work. "Please, mister, I have a master's from Embry-Riddle, I did my apprenticeship at O'Hare." But those fatcats in the tower just laugh at them.

nice try, Trump, but I'm not won over so easily

I'm cautiously optimistic. He resisted the teenage impulse to out himself ten seconds after it went viral, and I am positing a country-specific exception to the Fedora Rule.

Don't let us down, you little fashion-plate twerp!

I'll just grab a bunch of these cucumbers that are on sale.

[five minutes later, as I get into my car]

wait

there's still time!

Mamdani campaign-inspired poster reading WEASEL for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

ah jeez now you've got me doing it

If you wanted to live somewhere half your adult life and still build up no appreciable equity, you could just rent and save yourself the hassle of maintenance in the bargain.

Paris, from the Chilton years, looking like a badass bitch as usual

Paris, the only sane person in the Stars Hollow universe, would catch you almost immediately, then leave you to it.

"I thought when she did the whole 'gyrate on a bed in panties and a bra' thing on SNL, I'd feel safe. Isn't that what we're always telling female celebrities they should do, sexualize themselves for us? But somehow I felt even MORE threatened! She's a witch!"