Girl Dad Nauseam 🔹🧀 🍺

I am totally going to get my hopes up so the crash out is going to be epic.

a man in a suit and tie drinking from a glass ALT: a man in a suit and tie drinking from a glass

Guess who finally got over the flu and the promptly herniated a disk in his low back.

Look, the US works long days to provide for Iran, and this is the thanks they get??

Yeah like maybe read the room before you go vacationing in the Middle East

Ouch. Right in the aching knees

Michael Scott would actually be a better president at this point

Big Pharma needs to be stopped, this is getting out of hand…

Children’s ibuprofen can be cherry or mixed berry.

Acetaminophen should be grape and only grape.

I will not be taking questions at this time.

So maybe, here’s a crazy idea… instead of going on a talking heads show about it, we call our elected representatives?

Their phones should literally never stop ringing.

BUT HER EMAILS

🤦‍♂️

Oh so we really gave up 21 straight points in the 4th quarter.

Cool cool cool

Y’all this flu B is kicking my ass… like I got my flu shot and on tamiflu but it still is making me exhausted as a MFer.

Just getting up as walking around my house a little makes me short of breath. 😰

#napsohard

Walmart, this is actually super unhelpful. I ordered some childrens acetaminophen and ibuprofen for my kids because we literally all have the flu. I promise you, my address is correct. I can barely leave the couch let alone look around the neighborhood for my order…

Okay. I’m going to need to see Trump’s Kenyan birth certificate now…

Nothing says peace quite like a missile.

“Scientists don’t want you to know…”

Brother, scientists literally want everyone to know. At the end of the day they are smart, lovable nerds who do nothing but try to get people to learn things.

Well this certainly makes sense in the context of your children’s book

The cool thing about having the flu as a parent is that you still get to do all the parenting things but you also feel like hot garbage.

They call us crazy and the bitch about us not being “bipartisan” enough.

Bipartisan meaning caving to their every whim in this case.

This should be a jailable offense

Yeah the strike that we warned Iran about so they could move their assets

a close up of a monkey wearing an oxygen mask on its face . ALT: a close up of a monkey wearing an oxygen mask on its face .

Well the good news is that our oldest feels better and other two don’t show any symptoms.

Me, however…. 😭

a man is standing in front of a sign that says ' usted leadership for a stronger america ' ALT: a man is standing in front of a sign that says ' usted leadership for a stronger america '

The built in pauses during his speech #SOTU

Hey Josh, that’s what dictators do.

Glad I could help.

The recipe calls for an egg but not the egg whites.

You’ve gotta be yoking me.

Indoctrinating kids is so fun.

Right now I’m telling our oldest how fucking cool the science of vaccines and antivirals are.

Oh believe me, if there was Flu C or D… that’d be my wheelhouse

My 9 year old came down with Influenza B.

With better study habits we can get that up to an Influenza A.