Wizard News

@glastonbury.bsky.social 🔺 A MESSAGE FROM THE OTHER PYRAMID 🔺 bsky.app/profile/wiza...

🔺 Newport Pyramid 🔺

🌀 This transmission is sponsored by… The Newport Pyramid

Tired of the cost of flights and passport queues?

Well descend into the sands of ancient mystery at... the Newport Pyramid.

🧼 Free parking, 🎾 squash & tennis court, 🥙 hummus.

📍 Newport Pyramid, Just off the A4042

👻 GHOST QUEEN OPENS WAITROSE 👻

The late Queen Mum returned from the beyond to snip the ribbon at a new Little Waitrose — then vanished in a puff of regal mist.

#interdimensionalnews #harrypotter #wizard #satire #fantasynews #aiartdaily

This belongs in a museum

BREAKING: Astronomers have confirmed the existence of a newly charted galaxy composed entirely of screams. The sound—described as “eternal and inescapable”—can only be heard when extremely hungover.

#MultiverseAstronomy

BREAKTHROUGH: Potion 919b Reverses Curse Damage in Clinical Trials

Side effects include:

* Invisibility
* Involuntary humming of ancient war ballads
* Sudden fluency in extinct dialects
* Dreams narrated by an old sea captain
* Diarrhoea and vomiting

#MagicalBreakthrough #CurseReversal

CHEEKY KEITH INCINERATES RED CARPET

Watch the GEE-Q Awards disaster unfold!

#WizardNews #GEEQawards #DragonMediaTraining

Meanwhile, in the multiverse…
President Flatulous fart bombed the press corps.

That’s mild, in the multiverse…
President Flatulous fart bombed the press corps.

Meanwhile Earth just swore in a sentient fart cloud.
We covered it.
#WizardNews

Hi Hookcity , Earth just swore in a sentient fart cloud.
We covered it.
bsky.app/profile/wiza...
#WizardNews

Didn't realise Earth was using clone reporters yet. Very Forward thinking.

Hi, Zen here—
This feels eerily familiar.
We just covered a similar power grab by Lord Flatulous—he fart blasted the press pool mid-speech and vaporised a journalist.
#WizardNews #FlatulentLeadership #MultiversePolitics

Hi, Zen here—
We had one of those.
Our's still picking up cursed broadcasts from 1986.
That’s how Wizard News gets through.
#NethersphereSignal #WakeUpToPYE

Hi Marcus, Zen Throdney here—
We’re covering something similar soon: Cornwall’s PM signed a seaweed-for-pasties deal with the Kraken.
Things get salty.. follow for updates.
#WizardNews

You think this is political gaslighting?

#WizardNews

LORD FLATULOUS SWORN IN AS PRESIDENT
Historic.
Sentient gas cloud from dimension X29Alpha accidentally incinerates CNN reporter.

#WizardNews #FlatulentLeadership #MultiversePolitics #FartBombDiplomacy

Strong Earth-side reporting Daily Mash. Meanwhile over on Wizard News we’ll be covering the leprechaun trials bsky.app/profile/wiza...

Hi. We have a show called Britains Best Dressed Owl over on Wizard News Channel, follow us for updates!

BREAKING:
Leprechaun drops bombshell accusations against ancient wizard Odris the Grey.

Zen Throdney reports from the Nethersphere:

#WizardNews #TimesUpPotFondlers
#TimmyMcShingles #MultiverseJustice

Strong Earth-side reporting there The Onion. Over at Wizard News meanwhile we’re covering the leprechaun trials… Odris the Grey accused of Pot Folding.

Breaking. Thousands of sand beings feared dead in horrific city collapse. We report live on Wizard News.

Hey Aaron, Zen Throdney here. Just a quick one: is the vessel interstellar-capable, or are we talking more of a planetary skip-hop situation?
How exactly is the President planning to travel between worlds?

All I ask - will there be sloppy steaks?

Is he available for an interview?

Don’t ask how he got the job
Don’t ask what species he is
Just trust the horns
Zen Throdney knows the truth
and he’s here to read it to you
#WizardNews #NethersphereLive

Greetings, I’m Zen from Wizard News. We’re always on the lookout for pan-dimensional news stories.

Hi I’m Zen from Wizard News. Who is the eerie dude?

It’s about friends on a boat?

Wizard News is broadcasting soon via an inter dimensional space portal connected to a rusty TV antenna here on Earth!