Brandon Mf'n B

When someone else tells you that the bud you grew is gas, it sends that sense of accomplishment to a new level.

Who else took off tomorrow so you can play #BlackOps7 all day?

I did. I'm getting provisions after work and I'm going to do some serious gaming this weekend.

I’m not bitter — I just stopped sugarcoating stupidity.

They say laughter is the best medicine. Cool, then the world’s terminal.

Indeed. 😂

I have a confession: I’m not actually that funny — I just steal all my jokes from the voices in my head.

I'm alive and that's as good as it gets for now lol

There's a very particular brand of stupid going around these days and I'd like to know how we can get it discontinued because it's way too accessible to the general public.

AI isn’t taking jobs people actually valued — it’s taking the ones society already decided weren’t worth paying humans to do.

I’m not trying to be a role model. Hell, I’m not even trying to be a bad influence. I’d rather be no influence — total neutrality. Like spiritual Switzerland.

They are very tasty. Hope all is well, old friend. 💙

Not to brag or anything, but I've traveled around the sun 37 times.

You don’t gotta like oatmeal raisin cookies.
But you will respect them — because all cookies were created equal. 🍪

I’m so glad Kash “I’m not a frat bro” Patel finally brought those nefarious sports bettors to justice. America is so much safer now that these heinous men have been caught and their degeneracy exposed.

People: Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Me: Then how am I supposed to get them outta the store? One by one?

The next dame I match with is getting the pick-up line to end all pick-up lines:

“I like your style, blood. Wanna go out on a date?”

Mark my words — this is the line that’s taking me straight into my happily ever after. Just watch.

It's kind of crazy that you've got to start a GoFundMe just to run away from your problems these days.

Nobody: ...

Me: It's 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' season😁

Even French fries have more sex appeal than I do...

So glad it's the weekend. Now I can get started on my reply for Monday when people ask me how my weekend was and what I did.

He shoots, he misses. Smh.
“I’ve got a boyfriend.”
Still undefeated.

Funny how JD Vance doesn't want these racist, Hitler loving crackers to have anything bad happen to their lives and careers over some "jokes", but he wanted folks to lose their job because folks made fun of his boy, old Charlie "Got Shot In the Neck" Kirk.

May he rest in shit.

I feel like we're all living in that part of those dystopian movies where things go from "Eh, that ain't so bad" to "well damn, that escalated quickly".

I'm almost done with harvesting these plants. Looks like this season's haul is gonna be close to a pound...plus or minus a few ounces.

I sampled a little bit and I'm pleasantly surprised by the potency and flavor. Can't wait until it's done curing.

We're all criminally under paid, but evidently who got a pee-pee and who got a va-jay-jay is a far more important subject to worry about.

God-fearing woman? She must not have been that afraid of God if she’s got three kids out of wedlock.

There's nothing more satisfying than making the perfect NY Strip in a cast iron pan.

It's just too funny 😂

Intellectually lazy people having opinions is like a butter knife trying to be a buzzsaw.

You can’t carve logic with a utensil from a Lunchables.

Steph Curry is Forrest Gump… and Ayesha is Jenny.
“I love you, Jenny.”

Except this time, Jenny never left the mansion. She just went on podcasts talking about how she never wanted the mansion in the first place.