brog

i feel like a text conversation is like a turn-based rpg and an irl conversation is like a fighting game, like you have to be quick and notice all the details—tone, eye contact, gestures—and then you have to immediately put together a coherent response with the right words and tone all on the spot

when someone texts me, “can i call?” i can’t say, “um actually text/dm/email gives me time to properly think before responding coherently, and the clear history of the conversation makes it easy not to get lost,” so i just say “sure!” and fumble through a conversation using my actual mouth

Hippocampal destruction

sometimes my son cuddles me very close and i’m like aww i’m so glad that you feel so comfortable with me but can you please give me space bc i can’t breathe, and then i try to create space between us, and idk if i’m sending the message “close is bad” or if i’m effectively teaching boundaries?

not only is being kind just kind of a useless quality but it is actually detrimental to surviving and thriving in our world as it is now

i feel like we are so heavily taught as children that we should be kind, but as you grow into an adult, being kind is actually not all that valuable. i can’t put “very kind” on my resume, being kind leads to being taken advantage of, and you actually have to be sort of mean to move up in the world

when will i stop being sorry for existing like my dentist was like, “my tools are sticking to the inside of your mouth bc of your dry mouth caused by your antidepressants” and i was just like “i’m sorry” like it’s not my fault for needing antidepressants i shouldn’t be sorry??

elaborating: i feel like cold medicine doesn’t actually work and it’s just a matter of waiting it out

i feel like antidepressants don’t really change much and what’s most effective is therapy, stress management, a positive environment, and social connection

i am slowly becoming one of those people who don’t believe in medicine bc i feel like the biggest factors of any change or solution are like time, money, love, environment, and stress

i don’t really understand that sugar pill week for oral birth control bc i always end up getting my period while i’m still on the other weeks that are supposed to actually be effective??? am i doing something wrong or

omg ty for this ❤️

everyone like “take deep breaths! go on walks! not working? try it again!” i’m like “mmm no actually i’m just gonna keep drinking water with electrolytes and buying clothes”

what DID help is that earlier today i made a list of things that aren’t helping, things that are, and things that i cant tell if they’re helping, and i’m just gonna try to make my own curriculum instead of trying things people tell me are supposed to work ig

so then all i have left is to just vent to nobody on social

nobody is listening, nobody cares, nobody has a solution, but if i give up, ppl are like “don’t give up!“ i just don’t know what i’m supposed to do

same thing with my physical health: my body is failing, i ask the internet for help, it tells me to tell a doctor, and the dr says i’m fine

sorry but i feel like nobody is listening to me lately, i ask the internet for help, it tells me to talk to my friends, who tell me to talk to a therapist, who tells me to go to a dbt iop, and when i tell the facilitators that it’s not working, they just say “well it should”

i am actually just so tired of it when my friends are so reliant on me driving them everywhere bc they don’t have a car but i do. i just feel like i’m putting in so much more time, effort, and money into hanging out with them than they are. before i had a car, i would bus to everyone. why don’t they

annoying when gyms or apps or whatever won’t tell you the price of something until you’ve toured the place or already downloaded the app, it feels tone-deaf and just plain mean, like, “here’s all the things you COULD have but oops, looks like you can’t afford any of it! sorry we wasted your time”

me: i feel like i’m not enough. i feel like i’m wrong

everyone: don’t feel like that. do dbt

dbt: you’re not doing it enough. you’re doing it wrong

me: ok

but even more than that—if i try to say anything about how this apparent ONE solution to my problems just doesn’t make sense, then i’m just met with “it’s bc you’re not doing it right” “it’s bc you’re not doing it enough” “it’s bc you don’t believe in it” i’m so tired

i’m sorry but i feel like i’ve been pointing and screaming, “it’s not my fault!! everything else sucks!!” and everyone just points me to DBT, which says, “yes, everything sucks. you can’t change that. stop thinking about it. just think positively and take deep breaths.” i’m ?????

i’m still reeling from this like while i understand that some amount of belief is necessary for a coping skill to be effective, i felt like she was saying, “this does work actually, YOU’RE just not letting it work, it’s YOUR fault, it’s YOUR thinking,” and it made me feel unheard and gaslit tbh

and then if i do make a C then it’s like… well ok now what… this sucks for my gpa… does it even matter that i passed if i did so horribly

i think some people think my problem is that i strive for perfection and then i feel like a failure if i don’t meet my own high expectations, but i don’t think that’s quite it. it isn’t that i’m trying to get an A, it’s that i don’t think i’m even making a C

i know all of this stems from me not thinking i’m worth anything but also if that’s at the expense of the literal one person in the world who i love then like why in the world would i have the motivation to do that

new IOP therapist was like, “you put too much energy into being a good mom” i’m sorry like are you telling me that in order to take care of myself more, i have to be worse of a mom for my son? bc like why in the world would i do that

i wrote on the seattle single mom fb group about my worry over my son growing up without a dad, and someone replied like, “sounds like a you problem. go to therapy” huh???

IOP therapist: sounds like you need some coping skills

me: i’ve tried a lot but they don’t work

therapist: they don’t work bc you think they don’t work

no bro they don’t fucking work, if i try to make a broken machine work and it doesn’t then it’s delusional to just Believe in it and try again

i’ve been on the internet a lot more than usual lately, and i’ve discovered that there are a lot more badly designed websites than i thought there were… it is apparently so easy to just make a bad website

single moms who have a lot of social and financial support annoy me SO much, they’re always trying to join us about the struggle when they have it literally the easiest