Lady Lawya

I love how I can say, "I just saw one of those shitboxes driving on the road," and most people know what I'm talking about

If you haven't watched "Wag the Dog" or "The Big Short," do yourself a favor and find time to watch each of these.

Label on dessert package reads “Manager's Special 0% Off - You Save: .00 - 8.99”

YOU GET NOTHING!
YOU LOSE!
GOOD DAY, SIR!

I joined a gang today. I just got my welcome email.

[drunk texting ex gf during party]
no no no guys, it's cool, I just need to clarify something I said in 1998

You know they make the blenders loud so you can't hear the fruit screaming.

I tend to stress eat...even when I’m not stressed.

I just can’t wait til it’s warm and I’m out in the streets livin’ life with my man and my friends 🥰❤️

My husband and I both had hearings scheduled in front of the same judge for the same time and he said, “Whichever one of you wants to go first, hash it out and let me know.”

Then he laughed out loud and told my husband to have a seat and called my case.

I always ask them not to cut the pizza so I can just eat it like a big cookie

Her: Anything you say can and will be used against you.

Me: Am I under arrest?

Her: No, darling, you’re married.

Anything you can do I can do just as badly.

Sign reads “CORNDOG SALE: 1 - $1.00 OR 2 - $2.00.”

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

My husband just walked in the door and saw a gift bag with red hearts all over it sitting on the table and I cannot make this up, said, “Is it someone’s birthday?”

Them: why are you so stressed

Me: the everything

Printed instructions for microwaving a potato with encircled bullet point, “Potato may whistle in microwave.”

for the potato fears not death

Blue Öyster Cult:
Don’t fear the reaper.

Me: Sure, sure. That’s exactly what 5 reapers in a trench coat would say.

I was feeling reckless so I played Vivaldi in reverse order of seasons.

Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.

a Popeye movie where an aging Popeye goes to the doctor only to discover that his trademark spinach addiction has resulted in massive kidney stones, gout, and never-ending diarrhea

PHOTOS: Spilled milk shuts down Florida highway after crash Traffic is moo-ving again after a crash caused thousands of gallons of milk to spill on a Florida highway.

Do not cry www.wfla.com/news/florida...

waiter: is Pepsi ok

me: is conditioning people to settle for less than they
expected ok

A seagull drinks from a container marked “DOGS ONLY, NO SEAGULLS.”

every day we see more and more evidence of society descending into utter lawlessness and chaos

My cat was approached to be an Instagram influencer, so yeah, I've got some stuff going on.

Own the libs? Lib ownership isn’t what it used to be. Have you considered leasing?

likely late 70s living room with 5 boys playing space invaders on an atari 2600

and then you spend the rest of your life chasing this high

Preparing a client for a custody trial. I said, “Tell me the name of your child’s teacher, pediatrician, dentist, their shoe size, clothing size, known allergies, favorite food, and best friend’s name.” Client, “Why is ANY of that relevant?”

Folks, this is why we trial prep.

Her: Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Me: That's okay. I wish I was.