Rebel Yankee

I only hand out black licorice for Halloween. This may be the year I won’t have to get up from the couch

Give me the throaty growl of a muscle car, a packed bowl and a back road and I can heal whatever ails me.

I’ve never let an onion ring go to voicemail.

I’m 62 years old so maybe I’m a little behind but I love Bloodywood. I was hooked as soon as I heard Nu Delhi.

"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't," is the secret to a long marriage.

AEW wrestler Orange Cassidy sitting on a chair with his feet up playing with a rubix cube while other AEW wrestler Thekla does her trademark spider pose where she arches backwards and walks on her hands and feet while looking at Orange

my cat on catnip while I'm chilling stoned

National Guard deploying in Chicago need to take a long hard look in The Bean

I realized I might be a slightly aggressive driver… when my 3-year-old yelled, “Pick a lane, knucklehead!” while riding in the grocery cart at Walmart.

I knaa am a big fat gadgie, but divvint forget I am still pure dead luvly! Who wudn’t want a cuddle off this, like?

Me and the pup, lying in the grass and looking up at the clouds, musing on life’s vicissitudes while that peppy Ozempic song plays

From here on out every member of our military will be in shape and clean-shaven. And have granite jaws and the highest cheekbones. And legs that go on for days and shapely calves and an ass that just won’t…

23 and me changed all my ancestry and now I don’t know who I am except 0.5% Mesopotamian

I get glitched in the matrix all the time but I don't ask for manager shit cause I'm no Kareanu

the moon wants me to ask you to stop looking at her. she says you’re creeping her out

I sleep on my side to give ghosts the option of little or big spoon

it’s cool how much anatomy you can learn just by sleeping wrong past 40

He died doing what he loved: rollerblading into oncoming traffic.

ngl a sleeper cell sounds cozy af

Ends email with Ominously Ash.

Keep your friends close, and your passport closer

People come into your life for a reason, and sometimes that reason is very stupid.

arthritic poets department

I'm not flexible enough for a double entendre

Remember, you have to be rich to be eccentric. If you're poor, you're just weird.

"It's a lot easier to look at than it is to do."

That perfectly describes me watching porn.

I get it, kid. I get it.

Alright who stuck the pill in my cheese cube?

Ernest Saves PornHub

Kiss me. I taste like bad decisions and Bagel Bites.

Google listing screenshot for Saddleback Butte State Park 4.5 * (294) • State park in Los Angeles County, California • Open

doing it saddleback butte style