Richard Burgauer

As far as I know, these are two separate events.

rise and shine!!!

Does anyone truly LIVE in Florida, y’know?

The Life of a Showgirl

A joke or two about the school administration. Gotta stick it to the man, y’know? 😉

My high school “senior reflections.”
I wrote two pages worth of jokes to submit to the teacher putting the event on (but had an entirely other page I *didn’t* hand her). And she was surprised I was going to memorize them -- as if stand-up was supposed to be on cue cards or something.

Today is the thirteenth anniversary of the mmmmmmm first attempt at stand-up. Zero doesn’t multiply into anything. The pay rate is the same.

two men are in a car with the words " we 're on a mission from god " Alt: two men are in a car with the words " we 're on a mission from god "

Deeper meaning now? 😎 #ChicagoPope

The secret of most writers: “Write what you know.”

The apparent secret of major publishers & gatekeepers:
“Rite what you ‘no.’”

guy who was just taught the story of Easter learns that the Pope has died:

“Pffft. I give it ‘til Wednesday.”

rose: draw me like one of your french girls
(jack draws rose as marie antoinette being beheaded)
rose: hey what the fuck

The lost episode of Tom Goes to the Mayor?

I originally wrote, “fuddy-duddy,” so it’s established now. I *am* old-fashioned.

My social media is clogged up with people posting “hot takes” and “unpopular opinions.” Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I don’t think it’s necessary to put a label on things if you’re just going to be a pessimist.

Just realized the song “The Joker” predates Star Wars by four years.
The very LEAST George Lucas could’ve done is give Steve Miller Band an “additional story by” credit for coming up with the idea of a “space cowboy.”

Earthworms, I presume. Or is that too on the nose?

Meanwhile… hear me out… Mickey Eisner

I only now just realized that Porky Pig is trying to say, “The end,” but because of his stutter he spits out, “Th-th-that’s all, folks!” instead.

Told by the USPS that my order of a Slurpee and two roller grill items will arrive in 7-11 business days.

It’s literally what SpongeBob’s always wearing!!

Isn’t it such a crazy coincidence that the man-child happens to HAVE the last name “SquarePants?” 🤣🤣🤣

What’s the nationality or ethinc background of a last name like “SquarePants?”

Each of the United States have their shapes for a reason, this I know. What I don’t know is why Connecticut hasn’t surgically removed its vestigial tail.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

“Li’l ol’ lady” is in the “whoooo” of being a yodeler.

But he isn’t sure if Mussolini comes with the Olive Garden® promise of “Unlimited Breadsticks.”

You’re on thin ice too, Lauras.

I think I’m done becoming friends with more people named “Lauren.” It has just gotten exhausting.

Did you read it leisurely or with purpose?

“I remember when SNL was funny.”
- me, watching the opening credits on October 11, 1975 and reminiscing about the “Wolverines” cold open

In more ways than one, the International House of Pancakes (IHOP) has commonalites with The U.N.
Because that place is U.N.healthy!

Just remember, this is the kind of comedy I left Twitter for.