actually its fens monster

I'm 99.99999999% that at this point there's no way it's anything I've done or dropped or forgotten about that could be THIS bad for WEEKS but I also fear I'll call and they'll come over and discover an entire cheesecake molding under my rug or something

sorry to serious post on main but for anyone who has had an animal die in their walls how did you approach it with your landlord?

the key to never getting phished is ignoring even the real emails

Sorry, tonight is hula hoop practice night.

by the time you read this itll be now

I started flossing six months before tomorrow's dental appt so they won't know I don't floss

out of jokes and pivoting to a politics account (discussing the ramifications of the Federation-Klingon peace treaty)

what if instead of everything being terrible, we try everything being good?

Who keeps pushing snooze on the doomsday clock..

ever since I was a child I've wanted to grow up to be in control

bluesky elder who refuses to believe the poster's strike is over until corndad comes back to relieve them of duty

I'm getting reports that they're killing anyone who has blocked The White House on Bluesky. can anyone confirm if this is true and if so can they do it faster?

soybeans come from a can
they were put there by a man

do rich people’s bank accounts just say like “$27,947,828.36” lol that’s so cartoony we cannot take them seriously

it appears that i have trolled you epic style (awkwardly attempts a karate move) have you begun to cry

*soft launching that I like you* Tell me every thought you’ve had for the last 12 hours

You know the season is changing when you linger a while by the warmth of the rotisserie chicken display

*brings a ponytail to a bunfight*

Dale Gribble in a courtroom holding a cigarette. To judge: I'm not questioning your authority. I'm completely denying its existence.

tonight is the night I became Dale Gribble and blocked the feds

One of the worst ways your mustache can be described is "horrible little"

a roomba that makes tamales

we stan ordinarysauage in this house

YouTube video by Ordinary Sausage Brain Sausage

happy anniversary to me getting stoned with my aunt and saying "this is absolutely hilarious you have to watch it" to which she responded "that was one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. why did you show this to me? oh my god"

Forget periods, the most annoying events that sync up are the morning dog walks for the whole neighborhood

how many bottles of ant acids does it take to make a human one? asking for a friend

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I'm gonna need Big Weed to start putting drier weed in pre rolls that sticky shit may be fine in a bowl but I don't need my joint to solidify the moment I light it

literally what's the difference between a tangerine and a mandarin why do we need both

teen who got sent here from 2007: why are the cops fighting a frog. but more importantly what happened to myspace