HR Dept., SGMR Industries, Inc.

Per our president and CEO:

Our current pivot to AI is unsustainable. Thanks for the money, though.

Per our president and CEO:

My previous post resulted in $30 billion in VC capital being dropped in my lap. We will begin building data centers immediately.

Per our president and CEO:

We are pivoting to become a total immersive AI company.

Anyone not raptured tomorrow will be required to cover the shifts of those that are.

A word from our President and CEO (who is probably already drunk in Oudbita):
Artificial Intelligence is always right. It's reality that's wrong. Also, we're putting all of our employees' 401-ks into AI (and Vegas slots).

Dear employees,

That was not our CEO caught on camera with the CFO at a Coldplay concert over the weekend.

It was actually the Donny Osmond concert.

While our President and CEO is getting married in a tropical paradise, he would like to invite every employee...to watch the ceremony from their workstations while they work. Also, all employees will be taking a 10% pay cut because this wedding costs a lot of money.

Nobody cares how drunk you got at your Memorial Day barbecue, Frank. Get back to work.

If we can make record profits with this many people, imagine how much bigger the profits will be when we get rid of a bunch of these people.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day. You will be permitted five extra minutes for lunch (which will be made up at the end of the day) as our way of showing our appreciation to you.

This is considered insubordination at SGMR Industries, Inc.

Please don't microwave fish in the lunchroom.

Don't forget to tell us fifteen things you did last week, each in the form of a haiku that incorporates your social media passwords for an added challenge.

Good morning and Happy Monday, innies!
Ok, I know Severance isn't real, but wouldn't it be great if it was. Think about it. Ooh, the possibilities.

TGIF! Remember, you're working a full day tomorrow and Sunday. Since it's the weekend, you can take an extra fifteen minutes for lunch and stay a half hour longer.

During the late-winter and early-spring, we are laying off building security and outsourcing it to the Canada geese that hang around. Be careful, they're indiscriminate.

Our President & CEO would like you to know that he too has had to tighten his belt during these tough economic times. He had to fire one of his three cabana boys at his winter home in Cabo.

This round of layoffs will prove fruitful since it will allow us to free up the funding to bring in a corporate efficiency expert who will tell us how best to save money going forward. He's very expensive.

SGMR Industries, Inc. only hires the finest people. That's why you're seeing this. You're not one of them. Clean out your desk and leave within fifteen minutes.

--HR Dept. SGMR Industries, Inc.