Steve Suckington

[groot walks up my driveway just as I’m throwing a log in the fire pit]

if final destination has taught me anything it’s that I’ll either die in a plane crash or I’ll slip on some water into a full bathtub and pull a plugged in toaster in with me while trying to break my fall

i wanna see how people say it

the first old person to put tennis balls on their walker was baller as hell

airplane food sucks. but who cares what airplanes eat? Im a human

I’m not above eating lukewarm pizza. garywarm on the other hand… out of the question

fuck cheese. when i take a pic for someone i tell them to say worcestershire

just any random subject that pops into your mind or a topic that you’ve often thought… there should be more shitty jokes about this

ok late night crew, give me a random joke topic and I’ll throw out a probably bad joke on said topic

Imagine two cows having sex. Now imagine them wearing tiny hats. What's wrong with you?

one of them has glasses and a fake mustache

fuckin weirdos

omg if the sons a bitches weren’t so adorable

what if the 4th one is tiny? could it be considered 3 and 1/2 in your expert opinion?

how many squirrels as pets is considered weird?

Doc said no heavy machinery but my care bears cloud car seems pretty harmless

HIPSTER: i was eating pizza before it was cool

ME: did u burn ur mouth

4loko and seven years ago

I like that song where the girl is on fire

let’s cut this bitch… is what they probably said

who was the first person to look at a pumpkin and think.. this would make a good pie

[tasting egg nog]

this is terrible. we’ll drink it at Christmas

[inventing pickles]

i wish this hamburger had wrinkly cucumbers

eat a dick? ok maybe i can see it.
but eat a BAG of dicks? well now you’re just being ridiculous

me at 20: *owns three pairs of pants*

me at 40: we need a 5th crockpot

“can I get you a drink?”

-i have a boyfriend

“bitch I'm the bartender”

Idk what this means but fuck doncic

A computer file named std_face.xml

Found your mom’s college nickname