rax ‘levon honkers’ king

as a personal essayist i’m stumped by the prompt. i told you guys all that stuff already

hmm

this is true

Bro, ICE is still here kidnapping people, now they’ve even got transit vans advertising fake companies.

there’s no way to be like ‘when you say weird stuff to me i complain about it to other hot people’ without it sounding sexy and desirable but i promise you would not like the way any of us do it

oh no i can hear it

i’m not judging to be clear. this is just something i’ve learned in my research

some guys have a back where even if they aren’t showing buttcrack it looks like they are. a back that’s in the process of religiously converting to buttcrack

As always

Good morning! Yes, this is he

i would die for him

(squinting at barbra streisand) i wanna say…dominican?

i bet you don’t think lenny bruce looked jewish either huh. i bet you think elliott gould is an episcopalian

today some guy was like ‘rax you don’t look jewish’ in this tone like it was a compliment. i didn’t realize people still said that shit! it’s so rude but more importantly sir i’m not sure what you think a short, beetle-browed brunette with massive cans looks like if not jewish lol

i spent an amount of money on these cherries that i would blanch at paying for a whole meal. and i was right to do so

the other day i bought myself a jar of in-home luxardo cherries and wow turns out i was living like a goddamn animal before. in just a few short days these cherries have become all i’m living for

wow buddy that’s really epic! amazing work! so can you put your mommy on the phone

me: (pays for something with my phone)
phone: good news! you can sign up to earn rewards from here using your phone!
me: no thanks
phone: oh….well don’t worry about missing out on sweet promotions from this place! your phone will email you about em!
me: do not. thanks
phone: (visibly crestfallen)

the ideal customer of course is one who is Chill AND Spending Money, but you’ll grudgingly accept Unchill / Spending, and you’ll be grateful for the emotional reprieve offered by Chill / Spending

restaurant customers must be evaluated along two separate axes: Chill ↔️ Unchill, and Spending Money ↔️ Not Spending Money

enya knows more than you and me put together

looks like the ayes have it

like if it’s really coming up on the end of western cultural domination (as it should) then i’d like some of our best and brightest to get deeply weird with it on our way out of the supernova

i think it would be cool if enya came out of her castle, recorded exactly one note-perfect 25 minute hardcore LP, and immediately secluded herself again

We're out of tech ideas so let's just add Asshole Mode to all products.

The Walkman that spits at you. The microwave that slaps you in the back of your head when you turn around. The soap that steals your identity and sells it on the dark web

i just saw an ad whose implication was, like, ‘you can program alexa to be passive aggressive to you — awesome!’ why would i ever want that. who could ever want that

Dental trouble / Spiritual warfare Sarah Weinman on Epstein’s dentist, and S.I. Rosenbaum talks with religious freedom defender Mikey Weinstein

For my debut at @flaminghydra.com, which I have just joined, I wrote about the utter weirdness of finding out your dentist was in the Epstein Files. flaminghydra.com/issue-514/

For twenty four years people have been trying to kill me! People who know how. Now do you think that's because my dad was a Greek soda pop maker? Or do you think that's because I'm in the Melvins? Go fuck yourself, you fucking child!

The approximate cause of death for Anne Frank was the Nazis. The specific cause of death was the outbreak of Typhus at Bergen-Belsen camp, which overtook her (and others) from chronic malnutrition and medical abuse. These conditions are not, in character, unlike our system of immigration camps today