Bittersweet Evergreen

President Truman stands in front of a train car, behind a podium on that same car. He is waving his hat in the air. Bess Truman, his wife, stands by his side.

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐬

In 1948, President Harry Truman decisively won the biggest upset victory in American presidential history. He won his election through a combination of decisive stances, bold moves, and a scorched Earth campaign throughout much of America.

"With peace on any terms the South would demand the restoration of the slaves already freed, indemnity for losses,—a treaty which would make the North a slave-hunter for the South, and pay for or restoration of every slave escaping to the North."

A damning condemnation of the pro-peace Copperheads.

A news excerpt of a letter from Gen. Ulysses S. Grant, dated August 16th, 1864:

"If our peace friends expect peace from separation, they are much mistaken. It would but be the beginning of war, with thousands of Northern men joining the South because of our disgrace in allowing separation."

I hope to tell my family soon, although that will, understandably, be more difficult.

I wish everyone else similar success in their hurdles in life, and overcoming them.

Although I am nervous about the next few years, I am glad I came out. I now feel better about myself, and I am overall very content with my position in life. I am glad I was able to come out, I am glad I am no longer living a double life, and I am glad my workplace was so supportive.

The response from my coworkers was surprisingly underwhelming. Even though most people at my workplace are young and liberal, few had much of a reaction. A couple expressed some confusion, although most were extremely supportive, with a few focusing on using my new name until they remembered it.

Although it was an adjustment for my coworkers to get used to my new name and identity, and an adjustment on my part to get used to not living an effective double life anymore, I am happy I came out.

On Tuesday, November 26th, I managed to come out to most of my workplace, telling the rest of the workplace throughout the week.

It was strange at first -- almost surreal -- to be out. I had lived a double life for six years, and so it didn't feel real for a few days.

I tried to draft a letter or speech to come out, but I did not manage to do so well. Finally, on November 22nd, I managed to work up the nerve to spontaneously come out to my boss. I was frozen with anxiety at first and it was certainly difficult, but it was liberating. I also told HR the same day.

Sadly, that was not to be. I still was tired of living a double life for six years, and so I swore to myself that I would come out. It was difficult, as I tried to work up the nerve several times to tell my boss and workplace, but I couldn't muster it.

I am independent, sustained by my own income, living in my own apartment -- and so I was free to express my identity how I wanted.

I believed Harris would win, and I believed it would be great to coattail my coming out with her victory.

On September 27th, I realized I was non-binary rather than trans, which followed in line with other similar realizations and developments in my life. My confidence in my style and identity increased with this realization. With this realization, I hoped to finally work up the confidence to come out.

I told some of my close relatives and school friends around 2021-2022 but for the most part, I was living a double life; living as a trans woman online, but a cis man in person. Although I occasionally discussed my sexuality, it was extremely difficult to work up the nerve to talk about gender.

Until 2022, I still lived with my parents. I told them of some of my feelings on gender in early 2021, but I feared they would not fully accept me or understand my feelings or identity. I feared coming out and I stayed in the closet for a long time.

My gender identity journey:

In 2018, when I was 15 years old, I began to question my gender identity for the first time. On September 10th, I came out as genderfluid to a close friend. By the 14th, I decided I was a trans girl rather than genderfluid.

I am fully aware that the American Civil War is likely to remain being called such within my lifetime, and a name change would require a seismic shift. However, I hope I have made my point clear.

It needs to be emphasized that the Civil War was about slavery -- and the South attempted secession with the sole aim of preserving a vile institution.

I would prefer to call the Civil War similar to how people back then called it -- the Southern Rebellion, or the Slaveholders' Rebellion.

In my opinion, the most important thing to emphasize about the American Civil War is that it wasn't a war of two equal sides, two rival governments. People at the time didn't believe so. Northerners generally considered the war a war of rebellion, not a war between two rival governments.

A lot of narrative framing about the civil war frames it as a war of two equal sides, two equal causes, two rival governments -- a "gentleman's war" narrative where both sides are made out to be equal with a so-called "balanced" perspective.

Now, it is true that the definition of civil war has evolved over time, and many civil wars were attempted wars of independence, such as the American Civil War, or the Nigerian Civil War.

However, to me, it has always seemed odd to refer to the American Civil War as a civil war.

Why I disagree with calling the American Civil War the "American Civil War":

A civil war typically refers to two rival governments fighting for control of the same nation, such as the Russian Civil War, or the Chinese Civil War, where both governments claimed to be the only legitimate government.

The debate is not if a man had one trait or another, but how much of both traits he had.
Often, the answer of who a man was is not simple -- but confusing and contradictory.

Many people debate one end or the other, arguing that a man could only be righteous, or could only be wicked.
Yet, the truth is, Men Contain Multitudes. People are rarely one or the other, but a complicated mix of both.

Many were ambitious, but doubtful, sincere yet shrewd, prejudiced yet egalitarian, and a dozen other contradictions.
I often think of these contradictions, especially my own, and how a whole can be made of several opposite parts.

When I look to history, often I see figures filled with contradictions, and people question which image of a man is the true one.
Many figures from history feature contradictions such as those of mine.

Many were ambitious, but doubtful, sincere yet shrewd, prejudiced yet egalitarian, and a dozen other contradictions.

When I look to history, often I see figures filled with contradictions, and people question which image of a man is the true one.
Many figures from history feature contradictions such as those of mine.

I have an iron focus, yet I can get distracted easily.

I am the most outgoing person I know, yet I often feel cold and withdrawn.
I know I have great ambition and energy, yet I often feel anchored by tiredness.
I am very organized, yet a lot of my life is determined through spontaneity rather than planning.

A thought-dump from my blog titled, "Men and Multitudes":

One of my favorite sayings is "Men Contain Multitudes".
When I think of people I know, or people from history, one of the things I think about the most is their contradictions. I think about my own the most.