@Joust_A_Minute

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.

Unexpected item in bagging area. Fine to hear in Tescos. In the doctors, not so much.

No one ever chooses shit on toast as their food hell on Saturday kitchen. Surely that’s worse than seafood and that?

#Caturday wallpaper

I poured some water over a duck’s back yesterday.
He didn’t care.

Listen prospective employers, if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Don’t teach your grandmother to suck eggs. And also lay off the subject of anal bleaching.

My mate’s dog has been trained to sniff drugs. It’s brilliant, he can even roll up his own £20 notes.

TOPTIP: If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

I’m at the front of the queue for Paranoids Anonymous. Everyone else is after me.

My prostate exam seemed to be going great until the doctor uttered those words I dreaded to hear. “Ok. My turn now”.

Those big ‘share size’ packs of crisps are great because you can eat a few, fold it shut, and then immediately reopen it and devour the lot.

While my wife’s away for two weeks I’m going to build a patio. I don’t want a patio, I just want to freak out my neighbours.

I hate people who use decimal numbers.
If I was in charge, I’d round them all up.

Sports Direct: I almost managed a complete turn in one of your shops earlier, you might want to consider cramming some more shit into there.

I’ve started a fundraising campaign for golfers who despise putting. Feel free to chip in.

I hate door knobs, or ‘Bouncers’ as they prefer to be called.

Just worked out that my neighbour’s job is being a spy. Been bugging me for ages.

Can anyone help me with this crossword clue? German for ‘no’ (9)

Our company uses high pressure sales techniques to sell tape measures. You’d be amazed what lengths we go to.

I’ve just looked in the mirror, I look very middle aged today. Perhaps wearing chain mail was a bad idea.

That awkward moment when your optician asks you to read out some letters and they’re ones he’s intercepted from his wife to a man in prison.

I wore one of my car tyres out today. I’m not doing it again, it’s too heavy and I looked stupid.

I’m resting on a stuffed mallard that I got from an internet auction site.
SINGS “Sitting on the duck off eBay…”.

Well it’s a stupid saying.
Seriously, what are the chances both of us are ever going to have itchy backs at the same time?

Sorry but I don’t like anyone touching my phone. It was reflex. Just tell him to take shallow breaths and see if that lung re-inflates.

May I recommend the moral low ground? It’s nicely uncrowded here at the moment.

You never hear stories about the Bermuda Triangle anymore. It’s disappeared off the radar.

TOPTIP: SEX SHOP OWNERS. Let your customers know they’ve overstayed in your car park by clamping their nipples.

#Caturday wallpaper