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i never thought id feel that way again. i cant even imagine how nate feels just continously going through that day in and day out

but i dont need that. i dont need to be the brunt of that at all

people can and will just say things because theyre constantly in awful pain and cant see or feel anything or anyone else.

i just felt. Really bad today after nate's grandparents comments. i felt the exact same as when i lived with mum in highschool and how she'd call me the most awful shit and scream at me and id hide in my room but id have to come out a few hours later to eat obv and she'd act like everything was fine

lmao i just need to rest and go back to normalcy. i really really need to take a break from others

god when i feel mildly suicidal or upset libby always seems to jump up exactly as she did now. she headbutted me over and over. And also just farted in my face. Ok.

i hope she doesnt suffer. i hope none of my babies suffer and i hope the suffering eases for everyone and i hope i can really change it all forever even if it hurts more and more and more

id probably fall asleep for her if i continue feeling like this. if the agony doesnt stop

shes only 10 lol it most likely wont be for awhile yet but

and it hurts. all this grief and loss and disappointment and agony will never amount to the day she goes. i know this.

id just say wait for me, i know im late but wait for me

libby is my /everything/, and i thought about how tired and defeated i felt today, and if i found her like we found casper, during rigor mortis id probably curl us up under the covers and id hold her until her warmth was fully gone, then id take all my pills and fall asleep next to her

it'll be more death and suffering than it is happy stories, esp if i specialize in cats. esp if my grief and pain at loss is the exact same amount i feel as love for cats

i know for a fact that this past month will be exactly like this and more if i continue down the path of vet nursing

the difference is is that these people are close friends + ppl who've become good friends after i cared for their cats (suko and casper's owners) and arent just ppl ive known casually/not very well who just take advantage of my kindness

the thing is the people ive been helping are too worn down/grieving/too sick to do the things they need to do. theyre stuck in places where they /cant/ do things and will get sicker if someone doesnt step in

i want to skip my internship again but i cant. i need to go back and i need to crack down on studying. im just so so tired

it shouldnt get to me but it does. ive spent. The last month just. Doing things for others. And i dont expect rewards or praise or whatever, but it just fucking sucks to be told all this shit after ive done nothing but help and be there

im kind of really emotionally beaten down now lmao to know that nate's grandparents think im nothing but a parasite who probably doesnt take care of their animals

ugh oh well back to bed

they probably wont be satisfied unless i volunteered to sleep outside in the dirt and even then theyd accuse me of taking up space bc the dogs like to walk there

sometimes people can just exist who want nothing more than to love and want the best for their friends without expecting anything in return!! Imagine that!!

misery begets misery and breeds even more of it

Im tired of always being accused of being selfish or useless or manipulative by people who are too wrapped up in their own bitterness to realize im my own person, not a slave to their every whim and that i actually like caring about and helping my friends

they keep saying this and then accused me of not feeding djarli bc?? They didnt see me do it?? Bc im staying in a seperate bungalow to the house??

Like of fucking course ive fed djarli are you kidding me its the first thing i do when i wake up after she goes to pee

Im tired. Today was a lot, again

i just. It just feels suffocating

theyre thinking ive just swooped in to take advantage of my friend's grief bc their mum died just bc im visiting more often??? Bc i care about my friend and dont want to leave them alone esp when said grandparents do nothing but abuse them???

i feel so sick and tired

i feel sick