Sean Baker: Now that I won an Oscar, I hope they let me make a Green Lantern movie.

Sean Baker: He can make anything he wants with his ring. Even a car.

Sean Baker: But it's not all fun and games.

Sean Baker: He's vulnerable to the color yellow.

i thought sean baker's speech was really inspiring

Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine

Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine
theonion.com/cardina...

In this Ohio diner, it was a tradition: steak with ketchup, a can of diet coke, then go on camera to scream at an ally for being "disrespectful" on tv. But now the woke mob is taking all of that away.

GLENN: Why don't you wear a suit? You're at the highest level in this country's office & you refuse to wear a suit. A lot of Americans have problems with you not respecting the office.

ZELENSKYY: I will wear a costume after this war will finish. Maybe something like yours. Maybe something better.

democrats won’t admit it, but my family’s economic outlook has gotten a LOT better since Trump took office. but what do i know? i don’t have a fancy economics degree, i’m just a regular guy who runs an airplane scrapyard

folks my flight is about to take off and it's been an honor to be woke with you

roku city PD just shot my dog 😟

not enough dr pepper

Do you have a link to the article so I can read more about this?

The whole audience screaming “A minor” has me CACKLINGGGG!

I know Aubrey is in the middle of his room HYPERVENTILATINGGG 🥴😭😭

A movie called The Hotdog Vendor, where Jason Statham plays a hotdog vendor who, yep, you guessed it, is a former elite special forces assassin trying to live a quiet life when he's summoned back for one last job, and ends up kicking 197 guys in the face

Behind the chaos, a brilliant and savvy plan to end democracy in America.

normal games: "this is a keycard. it opens doors."

Metal Gear: "This is a P.A.N. card (Personal Area Network). The P.A.N. system passes small electrical currents through the user's salt content to emit a small field, allowing access through level 1 doors."

snake: "doors?"

is this anything

A big red robot breaking through a concrete wall. The concrete flies around them in slow motion as they strut into the room with their large, muscular robot arms. The robot says, "Does this vacation rental have carbon monoxide alarms?" The text reads: Be a big robot when it comes to vacation rental safety. Ask if your rental has working smoke/carbon monoxide alarms.

Be a big robot.

just bought these. to mock our soldiers

I have faith in Hegseth. A lot of the abusive blackout drunks I know have turned it around with the gentle nudge of an insanely stressful job w/ no oversight or accountability.

*seeing that the Undertaker looks old now* that’s because he lost his magic urn

Another app to yell into the void

on my way to the store

This has crossed the camp threshold and I now fully support it.

"You haven't lived until you've given money to the Onion."

Everyday Americans explain why they subscribe to The Onion's print edition.

Ultimately cheaper than joining a cult. Become an Onion member today. Join America's Finest Membership here:
membership.theonion....

Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu

Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu
theonion.com/gavin-n...

My mom was a union organizer for 25 years. I walked picket lines of wildcat strikes with her. We used to run bake sales and trivia nights to support striking workers. You wouldn't survive 3 seconds in her vagina. It would shrivel up what's left of your balls. I miss her terribly.

this site has the juice

Smiling peanut
Plains, GA

Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends -The Onion

Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends
theonion.com/unrealistic-...

[playing poker]

FRIEND: I’m all in

ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too

FRIEND: um, a pair of kings

ME: you bet we are

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ