Jon Tayler (Jon Tayler’s Version)

Can't wait to get my degree revoked

How many starts do we think Bauer's made high on DMT, at least a half dozen right

Imagining Rob Manfred being shown that blood cycling post and staring at it like JK Simmons in BURN AFTER READING

Bryce Harper is gonna be the first player in MLB history to get suspended for taking colloidal silver

joan diddykong

This bird’s greed delights me

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Given that AOC also dissuaded Osse from running, it feels like a safe bet that Jeffries and the party at large would’ve gone nuclear on the DSA wing had she or Mamdani backed him

The Reds may not be able to offer Schwarber enough money but I'm betting a wheelbarrow full of Skyline chili could bridge the gap

Alt headline: Alek Manoah Hits New Career Low

Volcano is a good movie basically because it's the only movie that recognizes the innate, superhuman heroism of major metropolitan mass transit agency employees.

Wearing a jacket with "Representative" on it like a college kid wearing his old high school letterman jacket as he saunters creepily around campus

Farting while standing next to an air purifier: the perfect crime

Megyn Kelly looked herself in the mirror after getting dumped by NBC, took a deep breath and told herself "I gotta get more racist"

HBOMax has started showing a 'remastered' 4K Mad Men and they’ve messed things up so during Roger’s oyster vomit scene you can now see the crew men with the vomit hose on the right

Williams is still really good and should be really good and this is a good deal, and also his first bad outing is going to get some dude from Whitestone arrested for DM’ing him a picture of a hand grenade

Devin Williams gonna get a max of three blown saves before a group of rabid Mets fans throws him in the Hudson

Why does Gillian Anderson look like she landed the lead role in a Diane Keaton biopic

ME: hey Ryan, what’s your next piece of writing going to be about

RYAN LIZZA:

Ryan Lizza is apparently on a quest to write the worst remake of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf that’s ever existed

This year's must-have gift is a bathtub on wheels that you can drive around the house like a car

MY WIFE ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS: I swear to god if your gift today is more fucking birds

ME: [talking over a bunch of hissing swans] okay so promise you won’t be mad

Donald Trump sitting at a table looking absolutely fried at Mar a Lago

2:12 am… going back for more carving station

[James Hetfield voice]
MY SHIPPING ADDRESS
DETERMINES MY BILLING ADDRESS

Congrats to Blue Jays fans on the 10-15 starts a year where Dylan Cease is the avatar of God and condolences to Blue Jays fans on the 10-15 starts a year where he makes you want to do a family annihilation

"This episode of Bluey is called 'K-Hole'"

"We're bringing the Iron Eagle movies back, folks." [light cheers] "And Louis Gossett, Lou, a good friend, really, is he here? Lou? Colonel Chappy, we love him."

Love anything as much as Chaim loves giving up expensive yet consistent present production for nebulous future value