The Framley Examiner

A classified advert torn from a local newspaper which reads: TEBL Teacher required (Teaching English as A Belgian Language) to help confuse and bewilder home-schooled child. Call Mr Hollyhock on 01999 482762.

An advert for a Wallet & Grimace talking ‘alamrm clock’ made by Newby’s of Molford. The front of the box shows a clock with two badly made modelling clay figures sprouting from the top, not closely enough resembling Aardman’s Wallace and Gromit to trouble their legal department. The text reads: “Wakes you up with a choice of four phrases. "You owe me big time" / "Time's up" / "In your dreams, pal" / "About fucking time". Distressingly persistent.”

An advert for a child's toy: Baby Spud Spud. A doll is sat in a plat of mashed potato with mash coming out of its mouth, eyes, ears and nose. A speech bubble from the doll's mouth says 'Mummy! I done spud-spud'. The copy reads: "Kids love BABY SPUD SPUD! With the unique SPUD SPUD action, mashed potato comes from her nose, ears and eyes - just like a real baby! Fill her up and watch her spud! ££22.99. Mash sachets available in three exciting flavours! Plain Mustard Sausage and. You can depen don NEWBYS"

An advert for a Garfield Plum Cosy. It features an image of a moth-eaten toy cat ornament that, at a pinch, if you squinted after drinking a bottle of Windolene might be mistaken for Garfield. Semicircular text around the cat’s throat reads: Tell Me Why I Don’t Like Mondays… The main advert copy reads: 89% official Garfield Plum Cosy Want to enjoy a delicious plum straight frim the fridge but frightened that the plum will be too, too cold? There's no need to live in fear any more with this executive plum cosy in the shape of everyone's favourite fat, lazy cat, garfield! Just LOOK what price has been chosen! £4.99 NEWBYS NOVELTIES & COSIES

A classified advert from a local newspaper. It reads: NEST of bunkbeds. Sleeps 18 progressively smaller people. £190. Box FE8795.

A local newspaper advert that reads: EARN ££££s FROM HOME AS A POST BOX. HOURS NEGOTIABLE. CALL NOW 01999 655 645

Lassoed advert torn from a local newspaper which reads: Black and Decker 0.33" hammer drill with 500W amplifier and two 12" speakers. Council injunction pending, hence quick sale. £90. Mike on 01999 722 932

An advert taken from a local newspaper. In the middle of the advert is an illustration of a 1950s robot with a bow tie holding a pair of carpet slippers in one metal claw and bloody dripping from the other claw. The robot is saying “Your slippers, M’lud” The text on the advert reads: ROBOTS! ROBOTS! ROBOTS! We've ALL SORTS of ROBOTS! THEY SERVE TEA! THEY DANCE! RIP YOU A NEW ARSEHOLE! CAPEK'S ROBOT WAREHOUSE Unit 18, DeLorean Ind Estate

A classified advertisement torn from a local newspaper which reads: “TRAMPOLINE REQUIRED Any condition accepted. Mine's been stolen. Please hurry, I'II be coming down in a minute. 01999 733 008”

A shockingly designed advert torn from a local newspaper which reads: New World Graphics (this logo is tightly wound around a lopsided loop accompanied by some clip art holly) WEB PAGE DESIGN AND GRAPHIC DESIGN WORK UNDERTAKEN TALK TO THE EXPRETS 01999 477 901

A photo story torn from a local newspaper with the headline “Pet of the Week”. The picture shows a tortoise with an old boot for a shell in a shoe shop. The caption under the picture reads: Say hello to Ormerod the tortoise, who sadly lost his shell after a shoehorn accident in Newby's ShoeWorld. Luckily he was saved by the helpful staff, who fitted him with this fine boot. He is expected to live another week. The photo credit reads: Photo by Arty Qumschott.

A classified advert taken from a local newspaper. It reads: “Does anyone know someone who could make a 13th birthday cake for my son? He’s finished the 12 I made him and I’m shattered. 01999 277511”

A letter ripped from a local newspaper. It is titled: “She must of known” The letter reads: “MISS, — It’s been said before, but I of to agree with your front page last week. She must of known.” It is signed: “Dr Alcock Brown, Roy Newby Villas, Molford”

A classified advertisement torn from a local newspaper. The advert reads: “Holiday photos. 36 exposures. Would suit young couple with two blonde children who’ve been to Spain. £5. Box FE8219”

An in loving memory classified torn from a local newspaper which reads: "In Loving Memory Angela Bleakley Today is filled with memories And loving thoughts of you, Di dum di dum di something, Di dum and things you do, Forever something ever, And something dum di dum, As long as something something, Something haircuts dum di dum. _ Tom and Geraldine"

A teaser torn from the front page of a local newspaper. It reads: “Offer! A photo of your dog printed on your cat.” Next to it is a picture of a cat looking pretty miffed that it’s got a picture of a dog printed onto its fur. It’s not even well printed, either. It looks like the kind of thing you’d get done on a pillowcase at Snappy Snaps as a last minute gift for a little-liked work employee who was moving on to pastures new.

A torn out black and white local newspaper advert for a theatrical production featuring a Victorian line drawing of a woman holding some flowers with an anchor and marine wheel pulley hanging off her. The advert reads: The Sockford Amateur Operatic & Amateur Dramatic Society Prodly Presents 'HMS My Fair Lady' The rags-to-riches story of a professor of linguistics who takes a humble flower girl and turns her into a boat. Features the songs: Why Can't A Woman Be More Like A Barge? Get Me To The Docks On Time I Could Have Sailed All Night I've Grown Accustomed To Her Keel On the Strait Where You Live Limited season April 4th to May 22nd at the Framley Pagoda. Thanks to our sponsors... Newby's Of Molford The C.I.A. (A branch of the US Government) Benningford's Stools & Trestles

A lonely hearts advert torn from the classifieds pages of a local newspaper, which reads: "Met at Paul Weller gig. I flirted. You sang and played acoustic version of "That's Entertainment". Who were you mystery man? BOX FE8799"

A black-and-white local newspaper advert which reads: Paranoia Lessons. Everyone else is having them. Why aren't you? 01999 800 756