♡ riteru ♡🔞

getting awfully demotivated to stream. i’ll leave games to other people. i’ll stick to art streams.

of course, i’m still here.

still here ….. unfortunately.

yesterday i thought i was going to die.

i had a sudden dizzy/light headed feeling and pretty much was in a state of panic the entire day. even went to bed panicking. i could feel my muscles twitch and my heart rate climbing.

kinda sucks for me that, just to have company, i have to be live. but also, eh. at least im not being annoying to anyone.

collabs are usually planned last second for me. im just used to people hitting me up while im live. nobody really hits me up offline …..

i still feel like streaming isn’t really for me. i just stream because chat keeps me company.

i dont really have friends to be around with. i dont wanna bug people, so i’d rather be LIVE so people can hang out

dont really have anyone to talk to about this.

but, im happy to see twitch growth. its been going well. people lurk for a while, views are up, followers are climbing, i hope to see 800 soon

but also, simultaneously, i’m kinda feeling down about it?

had a health scare mid stream and it feels like everyone left chat lol

todays prolly gonna be just me and one other friend playing fortnut. their husbands working and they wanna hang out with me & i think thats nice of them 🥺

before i was blocked, i would get a “happy valentines day” followed but being extra lewd in DMs with someone.

kinda sucks my current partner isnt like that. not at all. but what can i do?

i guess i ask for too much. idk.

i got a big cow plushy i got for myself because i was really depressed over my car. does that count?

i used to post so much “single awareness” bullshit.

i would spend valentines day waiting for the next day for discounted gifts for myself because, whos gonna spoil me?

this is why i wanna rebrand behind everyones backs. bruh.

my boyfriend doesnt have this treatment. he has respect. whereas i do not.

its stuff like this man. i just wanna not be around. sigh

the fact that there was consideration about adding ME, MYSELF AND I into a word document explaining drama that happened last year, that i had ZERO PARTICIPATION for, mind you.

just two exes breaking off and tugging me left or right. theyre STILL at it too

i know people try to show up for support but it legitimately feels like the collabs i did during the short lived donothon didn’t exactly feel genuine

partner used my donothon an excuse to go live more. regardless he got most of the attention and raids whereas i could NOT promote my own donothon

it feels relieving to just not go through this. i know i need help, but i’d rather do art for the money. its less stressful

i guess on the other hand, i never explicitly told him, nor mentioned in group chats. he literally only responds in group chats unfortunately.

the last straw to quit was my partner legitimately forgetting about it. so that prompted me to quit.

im never doing a donothon ever again.

i havent rly told anyone directly about ending the donothon. i only made posts on public about it.

never had a conversation with anyone.

but so far everyone has been positive about it and i’m glad. i kinda figured it was a waste of time and i had really and anxiety over it

been having some hallucinations lately. They arent very pleasant

i wish my partner was here. he said he’d come in april. god pls let it be april now

when we’re all playing, the only person talking to me is my partner. only he asked about me. nobody else did, so it just felt like i was out of place.

i already want to cry and pull my hair off. im just, ugh. i wish i could cease. maybe there wouldnt be tension or awkward moments.

during the collab i have a friend tell me that it makes her sad and guilty. like wtf am i supposed to do? this is why i say theres double standards. NOBODY does this to my bf, just me. only i get guilt tripped over anything

I was talked during stream abt a collab today. I had legitimately ZERO details until two hours before. Apparently everyone else knew since yesterday. Already a red flag I guess. This person talks to my bf and plans with him, but not to me.

i dont really want to post on main, but stream ended on a super rough note.
I shouldve stuck to drawing and getting off immediately. or “take a nap” when i’m not even tired.

nobodys really showing up for these dumb “incentives” streams so why tf am i even doing these?

i figured my gut was right. this donothon was a shitty idea.

im probably gonna stop promoting it on my stream. rip.

i really want to try and rebrand just for NSFW artwork.

i see the comments and i know what people are tying to say to keep me motivated, but i legitimately cannot do anything if people on my end decide to only show up if my partner is with me.

i feel like im wasting my time streaming. bjt also im so burnt out on nsfw art.

i’m gonna just keep a pinned post snd keep quiet about this donothon once i get on

my community is smol but theyre really kind to me. i’ll just try and keep the info to them only. im tempted to just turn chat off on my end anyway.

now if he did a donothon, he’d be doing well with it. me? nobody cares. they only hang around when he’s on.

i was better off as a NSFW artist. im just burnt out. cant rly explain why out there but iykyk

you know last nights stream, almost everyone left my stream to hang out in his chat.

idk. i think that rubbed me off the wrong way. it’s not his fault, but i feel like this stupid donothon is going nowhere