M

Yes love that movie

I’m scared people will think I abandon them on insta. It’s delusional and I don’t even owe people, and I’m projecting my own fear. Faking self worth
Maybe so. Fuck do I know? I’m a choate, possessed and struggling not to hate myself. I’m trying to form a script that works for everyone, I just fail.

An old friend called, she has brain cancer. I’m starting to really have survivor guilt. I’ve done everything wrong and so many of my friends and fam are gone or fighting terminal illness.

I hard co-sign this one.

Is it day 2 or 3? Ugh i miss the dopamine of insta, I hate to admit it. The last act I did a split with contacted me through email to check on me. I nearly cried. I didn’t have the heart to admit I’m on another network with no followers. Someone close to me said nobody cares online and I disagree

Doc loaded me up with 2 weeks of steroids for the cancer pain. This should be interesting.

😃 I think that’s a good review 😂

I’m in a bad spot. I’ve deactivated insta for 7 days while I decide what to do. It’s time for me to make some major changes in life. I may deactivate those forever, but if so I’ll show back up again once things change.

PS2
Champions of Norrath

The adventure will commence in the besieged forest city of Kelethin, where players must stave off an orc and goblin invasion in an action RPG.

Info:
psxdatacenter.com/psx2/games2/...

#ps2 #psx #retrogame #playstation #pixelart #ChampionsofNorrath #SnowblindStudios #RPG

Faces Are Ugly (2025)

Thinking you are strong for withstanding mental abuse has to be the dumbest feeling in the universe.
People love what they get out of you, much less care about your needs.

At a point in my life I thought I was comfortable in my gender and sexuality I was forced into chemically and medically induced nightmare that has shifted every last perception of self and left me deeply confused about everything. My life’s gone from child abuse, to years of intense hypersexuality, to 5 years of adderall that made orgasms last 20 minutes, to 5 years of nothing but chronic pain veins failure related to EDS and a blot clot , 2 years of maximum of max dose testosterone (because I couldn’t take adderall), to suddenly having stage 3 prostate cancer with no chance of saving any nerves and having to be chemically castrated with lupron to keep my T levels at absolute zero. Oh then I lost my insurance. I’ve been sling shot across this extreme spectrum. But really that’s not really what’s freaked me out so much as realizing the extreme affects hormones have on how you think, your self image. It’s exposed abusive people close to me. It’s made me totally rethink everything I’ve been programmed since birth and completely re-examine things like desire and what’s driven my entire existence. I wish I had people to communicate with about these things but it’s all so specific and trauma related. I’ve always felt alienated but I could act the roles and wear the masks and make people happy. Then I realized I’ve always been an extreme pleaser, and I’m not even sure I was ever anything for myself. I feel like I’m too late. Docs say sex is possible, but nothing comes out. ED is nearly guaranteed so I would have to rely on a pill. And I wouldn’t get much out of it. This is with a partner that’s interested in being supportive during recovery. I have a partner who has scleroderma and lupus and has not always been supportive in my sexual health. I was always a super awkward boy, AuDHD since an early age. Had to go to speech therapy, was always dirt poor and bullied. Huh found a place to ramble I guess…

1800 word rambles

Saudade is a unique Portuguese and Galician word for a deep, melancholic longing or nostalgia for something or someone lost or absent, often with a bittersweet quality and a recognition that it may never return.

5’11 and 140 today. If I grow my beard out some my face doesn’t look as sunk. I can’t eat. Typical diet lately is 2 black bean burritos a day. I just can’t stomach food. I just want this all over with.

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Hormonal depression is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. On month nine of Lupron injection and no insurance/ no surgery planned. DOGE closed the loophole so I have to wait till January. I should be ok from the cancer going stage 4, but I’m really struggling with the depression.

Years ago I had a bright pink kangol that would match but it wouldn’t be more on point than the hair / fur bag combo. Perfect!