Troutman

Boss: Let’s put this matter aside for the time being
Me: [looking around nervously] Can only you see the time being?
Boss: Huh?
Me: Is it standing near me?
Boss: Who?
Me: [on verge of panic attack] The time being

[inventing the hot air balloon] I don't give a fuck where I go

I am beyond happy that this added some positivity to your day! I hope things keep trending upwards!

well, it's your fault I'm going to start migrating this nonsense over to here.

that's some hot toast

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

hot dang you are precisely the fella, fella

Just moving this fella over to here

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

Thank you! I used to do this over on Twitter, but kind of lost steam when the wheels fell off

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I'd love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Me: If I give you another piece of fruit, do you promise not to throw it?
Chuck Berry: Maaaaybe

the world is an umpire

a reading from Paul's first letter to Penthouse Forum

[misfortune cookie] that wasn't pork

everyone assumes my shirts are always covered in dandruff and that's fine I just let them because it's actually parmesan

the clash: should I stay or should I go now?
me: what'll happen if you go?
the clash: there will be trouble
me: and what'll happen if you stay?
the clash: it will be double
me: well I'm no genius but the answer seems pretty obvious to me

We are all God's children. Except for you, Jeff. You were adopted.

Goofing off in high school?

I would not trust the first person who called them "sneakers". What are you up to in those things?

judge: your record shows you're a repeat offender
me: a what?
judge: repeat offender
me: offender haha