Very British Problems

One of those days where you throw open the curtains and the room gets darker.

I’m celebrating the last day of summer by wearing a cardigan and staying indoors.

I call this poem “Perfect Friday Night”

No plans
Telly
Biscuits
Sofa.

Don’t shoot the messenger, but the next bank holiday is Christmas Day.

It’s summer bank holiday and it’s actually sunny.

Doesn’t feel right at all.

The most passive-aggressive phrases:

1 Polite notice
2 Gentle/friendly reminder
3 As per my last email
4 Thanks in advance
5 For the avoidance of doubt
6 With all due respect
7 I may have missed it, but
8 Maybe I didn’t explain it clearly enough
9 Not sure if you read my email
10 Hope this helps!

“Would it be easier if I just call you?”

Nope, texting is working just fine, thank you.

Being 100% aware that the acquaintance you're pretending not to see is also pretending not to see you.

August.

Or as I call it, the “I can’t believe it’s nearly September” month.

Start work slightly early:
Nobody notices.

Finish work slightly early:
“Part timer are you?”

Similar but subtly different British translations

1.
“Anyway, I won’t keep you any longer”

Translation: I’m going to walk away from you now because I want to go.

2.
“Anyway, don’t let me keep you any longer”

Translation: I have to stay here, so I can’t walk away, but I want YOU to walk away.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll issue the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Knowing a situation has become drastically out of hand when a British person says “now come on, there's no need for that”

Going for an “any time” train ticket because understanding what constitutes “off peak” requires an expert knowledge of advanced calculus, economics, law and philosophy.

“I wouldn't say I'm massively looking forward to it”

Translation: Since being invited I've thought of nothing except possible excuses not to go.

“I’ll have a look in a second”

Translation: Go away.

P.S. You might think it’s too early to mention Christmas, but spare a thought for me - I was writing this book in spring! 😅 bit.ly/4lhef0p

The new book

As today marks the exact midpoint between New Year’s Day 2025 and Christmas Day, what better moment to officially unveil my new book: A Very British Christmas - your essential guide to navigating the festive season in true British style. Available to pre-order here bit.ly/4lhef0p

Questions that make my mind go blank:

“Why do you want this job?”
“Know any good jokes?”
“Been up to much lately?”
“What did you do yesterday?”

“You wanted this on and you’re not even watching it!”
“I AM!”

Narrator: They were both on their phones.

One minute you're young and wild, the next your favourite weekend activity is standing at the window admiring the lawn you just mowed.

Someone just cancelled plans on me for this evening. I’m wondering if I should send them a thank you card.

If you need a Father’s Day card this weekend, I’ve got a whole bunch of lighthearted ones to choose from!
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Replying to “how are you?” with “knackered” just in case you're about to be invited out.

In Britain, if you moan online about rubbish weather, it’s the law that someone will reply, “lovely and sunny where I am!”

Speeding up to pass a fellow pedestrian and keeping up the ludicrous pace for at least three miles.

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If you happen to be purchasing Very British Problems gifts (perhaps for Father’s Day!) in my shop, don’t miss out on the free mug offer - it ends tomorrow at midnight.
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Autumn’s come round quickly this year.

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“Looks like we’ve had our summer!”

Shoutout to the people on public transport who unselfishly choose not to use headphones so we can all enjoy the music.