Mike Selvaggio

What happens if you go to the doctor's office because you think you have hypochondria? What are they going to do... diagnose you?

If I were stranded in the desert with no water, I would simply hand my phone to my kid and wait a few minutes for him to find water to spill on it.

Header: I just got legally defined as a "Female" by President Trump (Gonnah see if I'm eligible for the SBA's Women-owned small business federal contract program!) Snippet of Executive Order: "By the authority vested in my as President by the Constutution and the laws of the United States of America, including Section 7301 of title 5, USC, it is hereby ordered ... "(d) 'Female' means a person belonging, {highlighted} at conception, to the sex that produces the large reproductive cell. (e) 'Male' means a person belonging, at conception, to the sex that produces the small reproductive cell. ..." Subtext: Context: Humans are all female {emphasis} at conception, until about the 6th week of fetus formation when the SRY gene begins creating the Region Y protein or TDF, which complexes with the steroidogenic factor 1 to bind to DNA and then usually (but not always) causes the development of male organs and prevents further development of female features. (This is why dudes have nipples.)

Well, I had not expected to be legally declared a trans woman in the first week of the Trump administration, but here we are, girls!

Question: How can Chief Justice Roberts swear him in without openly suborning perjury? (Or maybe, he can't but it doesn't matter because no one apparently cares)

Any ultraconservative toughguys that are having trouble making sense of the CEO shooting... Just pretend it's an episode of "Yellowstone" and the CEO was a counterparty to Kevin Costner's character.

"Hey buddy, you're sporting some pretty aggressive bumper stickers for someone who's taking forever to enter the roundabout."

[getting kiddo dressed this morning]
Me: "You've got to get these pants on."
Kid: 😫"Why?"
Me: "... You know what, I'm sorry but a while ago people decided that we were all gonnah wear pants. It wasn't a great decision but now it's just too late to turn back."
Kid: 😔"... okaaay."
#parenting

Comic of a hypothetical exchange between a Prosecutor and Defendant in a courtroom. PANEL 1 Prosecutor: This will be short trial.... Did you shoot that Insurance CEO? Defendant: Me personally? Oh no, no. That was the business I work for, MurderCorp, Inc. PANEL 2 P: But you pulled the trigger on the gun, right? D: Well, as CEO I *am* called upon to fulfill certain functions. As CEO, I have to leave my personal feelings aside. So yes I pulled the trigger but that was in my capacity as CEO. PANEL 3 P: But this isn't just something that happened passively -- you were the proximate cause of his death. D: Well, not really. It was actually the bullet. And, frankly, the fact that he didn't look after his own health by wearing a bulletproof vest. Tragic, but it's not cost-effective for MurderCorp to give everyone a bulletproof vest. PANEL 4 P: But your business plan is *murdering people*. That's illegal! D: Ah, well I suppose the corporate entity of MurderCorp stands to pay a stiff civil penalty. PANEL 5 D: Historically, when a large corporate entity commits the same crime that would send an individual to jail, it faces fines and its Board and Officers are held harmless when the activity is part of the core business model. (See Blackrock, 2023) PANEL 6 P: But your business model is literally killing people. D: Look, it's always a tragedy when someone dies, but we have a responsibility to our shareholders. When it comes to life and death there's always a emotional appeal to act outside of our policies so that someone *doesn't* die, but if we kept making those exceptions we'd be out of business.

See why this would be a ridiculous line of reasoning in any other endeavor.

Comic with a donkey and elephant at their respective podiums. First section reads "2008:" Donkey is saying "That's dumb. Your platform can't just be repeating a date over and over" as the elephant waves flags with "9/11" on them. Second section captioned "... Later, in 2024:" Donkey is waving a flag saying "1/6" and the donkey is saying "Hey... January 6! January 6!" while the elephant is holding pages that read "Dumb ideas 2025". Then the donkey points to the elephant and says "Also, he has a *plan* for what he wants to do if elected!", to which the elephant holds up his papers and says, "Thanks, I totally do. It's online."

What went wrong? Probably lots of things. But one thing is that Dems should have taken their own advice from over a decade ago: A calendar date is not a platform.

Picture of a heap of sand.

Eubulides: "If a heap remains a heap if you remove one grain of sand, when is it no longer a heap?"

Duh... When the regression coefficient of the slope is less than the arctangent of the coefficient of static friction of the material in question.

Paradox solved. Ancient Greek paradoxes are lame.

And oldie but goodie... (Someone was asking for this, and danged if I couldn't find the digital version but apparently I still had an old printout.) Wall Street is still pitting working folks against each other and it's still working.
#pensions #classwar #publicemployees #pers

The West Linn Wilsonville School District has a lot of nerve: tanking the value of their own asset, demanding that the City of West Linn cover the fees associated with cleaning up that mess, and now whining about "good faith" after going to court to wiggle out of their contract. Shame.

Image depicts a cartoon version of a aircraft cabin labeled "United 93" with the cockpit door broken open, and one passenger standing up entreating: "Sure, he may be acting in cooperation with a foreign power that doesn't have America's best interests at heart... but now that Ziad is our pilot, wanting him to fail is like wanting the plane we're all on to crash."

Chart reads: A Republican Guide for Sparing me your Bullshit, and compares certain actions by Donald Trump to seemingly hypocritical concerns by his supporters, in the format of: "If you voted for a guy who (blank), then spare me your concerns about (blank)." Said "take the guns first, go through due process second," (Feb 2018)/Gun rights Pretended to perform oral sex on a microphone in public/Drag queens (or anything re: exposing children to sexuality) Was convicted of 34 felonies and also ordered to repay $2M in illegally-used charitable funds/Corruption (also "Felons able to vote") called POWs "suckers" and broke the law to desecrate Arlington National Cemetary/ The Troops or Veterans aggressively separated immigrant families without due process and put kids in literal cages / a return to Christian values demanded the Federal Reserve drop interest rates to "ZERO, or less" / Inflation often gives speeches that include unscripted musings about Hannibal Lecter or shark attacks vs electrocution / Dementia makes money by selling a brand that is manufactured overseas / US Jobs / Foreign Competition threatened to prosecute political rivals and their supporters in "televised military tribunals" / National unity (or The Constitution)

My handy-dandy chart for telling people where to stuff it.