Lauren

Long live Yaoi

Nah, knowing someone ELSE sees the crazy is actually super helpful because the self-gaslighting is real 😹

Honestly? SAME.

Anyway, I am exhausted, and maybe not even completely due to blood loss. But I think I'm over the worst of the distress around the situation, which is great because that was awful.

But being able to do my job with my team at least feels better, and it does feel like there's a way forward with my boss, which is really all I need with people.

(If for no other reason than I specifically said, to her in this exact language, that I don't think it's fair or reasonable to ask me not to speak in group settings with no parameters on it, and asked for those parameters, and she just fucking talked around it without giving a solid answer.)

On the better side, I had a follow-up meeting with my boss and the union rep that went better. I am, in fact, allowed to express my opinion in our team meetings. He thinks the ED never meant for me not to do so in broader environments. I don't share his optimism.

So anyway that meeting yesterday went great and wasn't humiliating and targeted at all.

I do not have a mental health condition, like a substance use disorder, that would necessitate management anticipation of my needs because I can't understand them or know to ask to accommodation on my own. I'm VERY aware of my limitations.

If they work, then I'll ask for formal, ongoing accommodations. If they don't, yes, I'll need to reassess whether I'm ready to travel. But in what world does my boss's boss - not even MY OWN supervisor - think it's appropriate to do so on my behalf?

Like, this feels like very basic ableism that anyone who's as "progressive" as her should understand? I have said, yes, that first trip was hard for these reasons. I worked with my team to come up with strategies for the Kenya trip to avoid that happening again.

Secondly, as far as I'm aware, I'm the one who asks for accommodations. You don't just get to decide what I need, especially when you're talking about not wanting me to go off partial disability (meaning I make 85% of my income, btw) or being 'concerned' that I'm travelling soon.

First of all, what the fuck? Please keep in mind I haven't even ASKED for any formal accommodations yet. I mentioned that the lack of basic accommodations at the in-person week contributed to my difficulty with that week. Haven't asked for anything related to my ongoing work.

My union rep told her it sounded like she was using me as a guinea pig, which is more or less what it felt like. And aside from that, her "process" basically boiled down to "Lauren sends me a complete physical and cognitive assessment, and I decide what she needs."

To be fair, this would be bad on its own, but I've just had the most insane shit with my boss's boss this week. The org doesn't have a policy for accommodations at work, so she's decided that she will create one I will have the privilege of being a test case.

My week has just been brutal. Up first: Thought I was in permanent menopause (chemo does this), I wasn't! Surprise! Now I'm having a period so brutal I actually dragged myself to the doctor today. I cannot emphasize how godforsakenly tired I am.

Anyway, just writing it out to try to get it out of my head. Going to try to fall asleep to YouTube booktok drama summaries.

I hate having to confront that. The contrast. That huge, huge gap between what I was and what I am. I feel it a lot right now, and maybe that’s why this is hitting so hard. It’s not as bad when I can try to believe I’m still the same, deep down.

He said something like, “Oh, it’s just such a contrast.” I tried not to cry. I moved on from it, or at least I tried to forget it, even though I’m embarrassed every time someone calls me now, knowing that the reveal is… that.

I can’t change the picture. I don’t have a new one I can stand.

I always think back to this these days. Last summer my boss called me on Slack. My profile picture is the professional one the org had done in 2019 or so. It took a second for my video to turn on once the call connected, and when it did my boss just gave this… little laugh.

My life was in absolute ruins then, and it feels like nothing has changed. Except me, maybe, and only for the worse. I keep wondering when I’ll get to feel like I’ve built something I can be proud of, like I had before. Is that even something I’m capable of?

I don’t know why this has dug so deep into me, although I guess I do, I just don’t want to admit that it’s hitting every big fear I’ve had since treatment being over started to feel real.

Not doing great over here, honestly. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me; today I’ve just felt nauseous and anxious and I cannot get out of my head. Yesterday I could at least get outside; today it was snowing and dark and I’m tired.

Anyway, just getting it out of my head so I can maybe stop ruminating about it.

Not a great week.

I’m not claiming I’m being discriminated against, but I do think it’s interesting that I’m the one who gets called out for disrespect when my boss diminishes my work in everything he does, and the organization itself made no attempt to have a meeting space inclusive to my physical needs.

I get why people find progressives smug and condescending, having been on the receiving end of it now. It doesn’t escape me that I’m the only person on my team who is not in a heteronormative relationship, who has coding that might imply queerness.

For better or worse, I am not deferent to authority. Just not a behavior I have learned; I do think I’m respectful, but. Deference hasn’t been expected of me until now, but that expectation honestly surprised me. And then this came on its heels, like something else designed to put me in my place.

I’m not great at that, though; accepting what I can’t change. I’m not great at disengaging emotionally from my work. And I feel… pretty bad about all of it, honestly.

I know the next move is simply to find a new job. There is nothing worth staying in this position for. Nothing would make this worth it for me. And while I’m here, I have to simply accept this. I won’t change anything by fighting it. I won’t fix the problem.

I just felt obliterated, to be honest.