cat damon

hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am

sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested

legacy of kain went hard

[girl petting my dog] what's his name?
[me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may

if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now

personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you
me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok

pope leo was my father

[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised

[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this

do you think he still does this

[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

i
fell
into
a Burger King deep fryer
i turned
brown brown brown
medical help was required
and it
burns burns burns
that BK fryer
that BK fryer

it's never enough

[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the
[flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME

[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back

[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum

me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD

[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

[dribbles between my legs and behind my back]
guy at the urinal next to me: dude

[worried my therapist doesn't like me] let me see your notepad

big whoop your honor

screaming seed

alex trebek: tell us a little bit about yourself
me: I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my ejaculate

TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet
me: you mean my soupcase?