Bog Fancy

Today's word is "performative" and tomorrow's will be "tool."

The levels of bidet power from least to greatest intensity:

1. Scold
2. Chastise
3. Rebuke
4. Excommunicate

Absconding with my haters' joie de vivre

Did it hurt?

When you ordered Chinese for yourself but they included 3 forks and fortune cookies?

album art in the 90’s: yeah just stylize a naked baby like a cherub and put it near something gross

treat my decorations like my genitals, please

it's okay to have fun during spooky month even if you're having a whole spooky life

Invite codes must have the chance to do the funniest thing rn because mine have butterflies and are all no no just keep on alienating yourself that's what works

Sometimes I can't think of another post until I get the really gross one out of the way by posting it first

asking for some “raw toast” at the bakery

For Halloween I'm going as an adult in 2025 who is still outraged that Disney's Doug was radically different from the original series

What a treat it would be to be a fruit fly. All day long, you get to live the dream of walking on fruit. Walking, walking, back and forth. Stepping all over fruit. And then, miraculously, you die!

You young folks with your soft pet names like 'bae' and 'boo'. In my day, we had earthy, licenced names for each other like 'gibbering mouther' and 'shambling mound'

Fuck. I wish deep vein thrombosis was as hot as it sounded.

plucky, but poor Tony Montana uses his wits to climb the corporate ladder, making friends along the way

Muted the word "mastodon" and lost my favorite feed, Euphoniums of the Ice Age Elephant Family. Now I just need Nothing Smaller Than A Tuba to update

a sexy spinoff called Mister Magoon

Poop cop: you think I don’t know when someone just threw some dirt in the toilet kid? Don’t waste my time. It’s not even stinky.

Mom tip: if there's a kid being shitty to your kid at the park, a long, unblinking death-stare works wonders and keeps you out of prison

A reboot of classic 90's rom-coms, but set in the present day. She's All That is about an awkward girl who can't get the popular guy until he realizes she's a pro-natalist freak

There is a Dario Argento cut of Dawn of the Dead that's a bit tighter and has more music by Goblin and it's GREAT.

However Dawn of the Dead was already great, I want an Argento cut of the Hobbit movies. Cut them down to a single 90 minute film, also with soundtrack by Goblin. Perfection.

The sequel to Never Been Kissed is Never Been in a Starter Pack

There are so many ways to stop Stephen Miller. We should try them all. Alphabetically is fine.

withered ghastly hands push up from the dirt. grabbing, clawing, tweaking the nips

pregnant lady: my water broke

me: maybe it should get a job

I’m the mortician in Richard Scarry’s Busytown. I’m a dog who wears a baseball hat that says “who let ME out”. I drive a dried up footlong meatball sub that’s also a hearse every day.

Exactly why I have a toothbrush with bristles on both ends.

For sure using that term during my next hot flash!

I hope there’s an alternate universe where Man Moth is a cryptid.

Using the Scooby Doo model, scientists were able to run all the way to the edge of the universe by being chased over an unchanging background until they finally saw through the illusion and just tore the mask off of everything we know