Celebrity Lies

Ralph Fiennes (not William Hague)

Sometime big screen villain and versatile board treader Ralph Fiennes is a pigeon fancier of some repute under the alias Randolph Fees.

"In a way, they're my own Horcruces," mused the thespian.

Jona Lewie

Eighties musical oddity and caltrop enthusiast Jona Lewie can still be found in the kitchen despite the party having ended several decades ago.

The family of late and painlessly-missed comic and professional racist Bernard Manning say they are "gobsmacked" to find out he was a quarter Nigerian.

"He'd have had something to say about being part {unbroadcastable}," said son Oswald-Adolf Manning.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Seeking ways to supplement his meagre income, reactionary pundit and Edwardian cosplayer Jacob Rees-Mogg has moved into the lucrative world of fashion, designing outfits which lend a sense of ceremony to any occasion.

Pictured below in his Robes of Writing a Letter of Dismissal to One's Butler.

Emmeline Pankhurst

Although more widely known for her socio-political activism, Emmeline Pankhurst's true legacy remains the global popularity of Panko breadcrumbs.

These were named in her honour by the warden of Holloway Prison when it was discovered how easily they could be force-fed to recalcitrant suffragists.

Aspirational architect and Bristolian pontifex Isambard Kingdom Brunel never liked French Fancies, despite contemporary rumours.

Apartheid irritant and Robben Island hater Nelson Mandela invented the wrestling hold which bears his name after jostling with inmates for the last purple Fruit Pastille.

Sir Patrick Stewart

Speaking to OJ Borg on the Radio 2 late night slot, chrome-domed thespian Sir Patrick Stewart recounted a major heatwave from his Yorkshire childhood; "Ee, yon sun were crackin t'flags. It were reyt 'ot. Us coil 'oil were thrang wi' fowk tryin' to get aht on it."

Paul Hollywood

Faced with GBBO's sinking viewing figures and a declining market for baked goods in today's health-conscious world, OG Yeastie Boy Paul Hollywood has been forced to seek gainful employment elsewhere.

He has been spotted at the Cornbow Centre, Halesowen, offering handshakes for a fiver a throw.

Baroness Karren Brady, trusted aide to global pollution baron Lord Sugar, began her career freezing Wrigleys Doublemint off trousers at a drycleaners near Hove.

Harry Secombe

Recently unearthed diaries have revealed Sir Harry Secombe's true motivations for leaving comedy to pursue his faith and musical career; "I'm so very tired of being mistaken for that odious little sex-pest Benny Hill."

Pedro Pascal suffering follicular difficulties.

Speaking in an interview on ITV's Calendar News, Chilean champion Pedro Pascal revealed that being so bloody nice all the time has proved a terrible strain on his health, which has led to some unfortunate effects.

Previously unreleased demos have surfaced of rock stalwarts Freddie Mercury and Brian May covering Adam Faith's entire back catalogue.

Ex-Heartbeat star Nick Berry now working in Framingham Asda after the cosy Sunday night rerun royalties ran out:

"I'm not proud but I do draw the line at SmartPrice™ chopped ham in a tin," he mused.

Margaret Thatcher, squatting.

Famous for surviving on a meagre four hours' sleep, industrial hazard Margaret Thatcher also insisted on a strict regimen of physical exercise, and throughout the 1980s would frequently interrupt her official duties to break into punishing calisthenic routines with no prior warning.

Former HRH Prince Harry to appear as next week's celebrity co-host on Pointless

Christopher Ecclestone

Aspiring regicide Christopher Ecclestone has agreed to return as Doctor Who on the condition that all filming and production is moved to South Shields.

The late Pope Francis 'in talks to host Papal Bullseye in afterlife", according to Vatican sources

Renowned physics-based genius Albert Einstein renounced his dedication to the science in 1876, choosing instead to live wild near Weston-super-Mare.

Peter Stringfellow

In 1996, professional lechery spokesman Peter Stringfellow turned down a lucrative contract to become the public face of Cheestrings as they launched in the UK and Ireland, citing "moral incompatibility".