Charlie

Do you think the "Thank You for Sunshine" kid knows that I can't get through that song without sobbing

My mom's brother John is asking me to assassinate a pony. Classic case of helping my Uncle Jack "off" a horse

I'm a bass-ifist. I'm anti-violins.

What do you think Fred Flinstone's condoms are made of? Rock? Sabre tooth tiger skin? Fruity Pebbles?

Tall people get to see everyone at a MySpace angle, and I think that's why short people are mad

Appreciate the storytelling device of what I call the Royal You (collective plural pronoun). In a video about aquatic animals without gills: "If you're small enough, you can do gas exchange right through your body wall." As if either 1.I can choose to be that small, or 2.those lil guys are watching

Mom says it's my turn to be spartacus

I wish I could send my therapist memes

To the tune of Blackbird by the Beatles:
Redwing blackbird wanna fight
Swooping at my head, it's on sight
What the fuck
I wasn't trying to eat you but now I fucken might

If Burger King offered me a job I'd say "thank you for the whoppertunity"

Autocorrect is getting way overzealous. It replaced "be" with "he" and I ended up with "I can't he the only one enjoying a good railing sesh" and now I just sound silly

My favorite generational gap is what "out of pocket" means. To the Olds, it's used for out of office, unavailable. To the Youths, it's acting out of line or irrational. Took off work for my birthday, so both feel right

I genuinely think they used to make stuff out of hard plastic with sharp edges just to keep people from putting it in thsemselves

Call me strange, y'all can come get some

Gonna start an agency of OnlyFans models as hit men, call it Wackers

I only write fanfics that involve camping, because every ship needs a sex tent

What's a swinger's favorite pastry?

Pineapple turnover

"How would others describe you?"

Oh, you mean the people I'm always worried secretly hate me?

Eggplant parmesean? Oh, you mean 🍆🧀

How I'm doing: realized my drink was getting warm, went to plug it in to charge it

"Can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there" I say, leaving the fur con

What're all these spiders spiding?

A hoist, with a photoshopped brand name Petard

Get yours today

Roses are red
I'm pansexual, luv
When filling out my sexuality
I checked "all the above"

Handsome, smart, and clever. What can't I do?
Rhetorical questions.

How many sphincters could a sphincter sphinct if a sphincter could sphinct sphincters?

My origami business folded

A large grey cage, inside are three rats with their faces up against the bars

The last thing you see before you're mugged for banana chips

Portugal the Man sounds like a shitty Sonic character

Just a naked guy with big ol gloves