Bat’s Venting

I’m gonna try to fix it tonight before I go pick up the equipment on Thursday lol

I’ve fucked up my sleep schedule right before I have my sleep study on the 13th oops lol

Wish my shitty exes would’ve saved me the grief and just left me alone lol instead they got me ruminating on the shitty things they said to me cuz one of them came up in a convo last night

I’m not even crying a lot it’s just like that laying in bed and silently crying kinda thing but it’s still giving me a headache unfortunately lol

I wish I could doze off I’m feeling so sad today lol

I feel real down tonight lol I want out of here so bad

I also have red dye too but something about the blue is calling my name rn

I’m gonna shave the sides of my hair as per usual and then take my razor comb to the bits that have grown out that need layered again and then I gotta debate whether I’m just dying it black or if I’m gonna go for blue and green lmao

Every time I get motivation to cut and dye my hair it’s around the time I’m either getting sick or my period is about to start like come on pick better timing

I’m so depressed today I know it’s my period getting closer and the anniversary of everything with my sister being literally a day and a half away but like I just wanna crawl into a hole and never be seen again rn

I just want to leave so bad lmao

Idk this is tired sad 1am thoughts and I’ll feel less depressed and hopeless tomorrow

I wonder often if I could just leave if I’d start getting better, but it feels like I’m stuck because of all these things out of my control and I’m constantly fighting against this overwhelming current but the more I keep fighting the more exhausted I get lmao

I feel like stress in general is actively making my health so much worse but I can’t escape it lmao life is stressful and my home is stressful and I feel like I’m doomed to just wither away into nothing or whatever idk

Death CW //

We’re like two days away from the first anniversary of my sister passing away and I keep feeling this sense of doom looming over me all the time that I can’t tell whether it’s that or something else entirely

I’ve always wanted to be a writer and I wish I could just find a way to make it happen lmao Idek where to start if I did want to do it but it feels ridiculous to even try

Wish ppl took me seriously as a chronically ill kid instead of calling me fat constantly and telling me I was faking and bullying the shit out of me all the time to the point where now I feel like people hate me any time I talk about how I’m feeling sick and I downplay it so ppl aren’t sick of me

Calling my doctor to try to talk to her about things and see what I can do to like feel better at all LOL This is so depressing it sucks so much

I wish I could tell if I’m just getting worse in general or if being around my mother is making me sicker than not being around her would LOL I am so worn out and sad

My face has been itchy for days now and trying to exfoliate it made it worse smdh

The MCAS flare ups and the weather has my skin looking like shit rn tbh debating on going to the Dr to see if I need to adjust my meds lol

Life is so rough in so many aspects like god damn can I not just be happy and not in pain for a while lmao

Fighting every bone in my body from going back to bed for a fourth time today lmaooo I’m so depressed today and I’m hurting cause of my tooth and I’m just Lmao idk I just wanna not exist for the day

I wish it would just storm like the weather said it would so I could fall asleep instead of staying up stressing myself out over shit I can’t change right now

I feel like over the last handful of years I’ve become a stronger person but god am I tired and worn down Lmao like man I just want to be able to let my guard down for a while and feel safe and secure but I’ve been running on high alert my entire life

NEVER asks and is always shocked when I push back to correct her on things lmao

If I do this and my cardiologist is still like eh ur fine I will lose my mind. She is so dismissive every time I bring up an issue and so focused on my weight and age lmao “too young to have heart problems” and then making assumptions about my activity levels/food/water intake purely on my weight

You know what I can articulate though? How horribly itchy this heart monitor is lmao I wish I could take this thing off right now but I will deal with it. 11 days left!

I wish I could articulate how I’m feeling better cause I keep trying to journal my feelings but the words just aren’t working out

i'm feeling really alone today and it sucks LOL i'm gonna just grab a snack and play video games until i'm tired i guess