Mike Primavera

If in doubt, go big.

Perfect date: Holding hands while we walk around town clotheslining people who stop to look at their phone in the middle of the sidewalk.

Booty sneezes will get you.

She’s got me covered.

Half of my screen time is just looking through all the funny videos my girlfriend sends me so I can finally look for new ones to send her. Relationships aren't work if you love the grind.

I’m available

Trader Joe’s mixes flavors like they’re trying every combination on a lock.

Are you ever so tired in the morning you don’t even remember driving to work? That how I feel about the last 10 years.

Honestly it could be.

Depression ain’t just a river in Megypt

Everyone’s back hurts and we pay taxes. Walking upright was a mistake.

I’ve only said “I love you” to a couple people and meant it but also every single dog.

It’s important.

I’m kind, not friendly. There’s a difference.

Smell casting.

You sick puppy

Never fails

Every time.

Just found my first grey pube. Gonna tape it to my wall like a small business’ first dollar.

A dog’s ear will clean your iPhone screen as well as any microfiber cloth.

I mean, they really should.

Fool me once…

hello I cannot come to work today I am busy thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life

Horse girl.

Live your truth, Ghost Wrestler.

Bugles and candy corn should really do a werewolf fingers collab.

The life I want.

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Survive and adapt.

I know how it tastes because I’d never give my dog something I wouldn’t try myself.