S.C. ❄️🐾

Like, I legit feel like Im failing myself, and my community, even though I know better.

Its a shit feeling and I dont want to keep experiencing it every time I falter.

I know I do a LOT between work and streaming alone, but this is the thing I find true passion in doing, so it just hurts more.

I love streaming so much, I hate whenever I need to cancel or cut short a stream. Even when I know its the best thing to do, it makes me feel like shit doing it.

This exhaustion thing has happened before too and I dont know how I can prevent it.

I really have found myself some amazing friends.

I really need to remember that more than the other stuff.

Blocking you was never the plan. You did it first.
The plan was to try and still be friends.
I hope your doing well regardless of how I feel about us now.

Someone who wont leave me to struggle with everything and anything seems little to ask for but I dont think Ive ever had a relationship like that.

Is it a lot to ask for? I dont think so. But as I get older the more jaded I get and less I think it's likely to actually happen.

Days like to day get me reflecting on the past a lot. Im certainly glad that Im out of the relationshios from my past, but I do miss some aspects of them.

I think I just wish I had someone who would support me through everything. Love me for who I am and not try to change anything about me.

First Valentine's Day alone in a number of years. Gonna be trapped at work serving couples all evening.

Today will be interesting 🙃

Through pure stubbornness it lives.... how I do not know..... for how long I do not know.... but I seem to have brought it back from death atleast temporarily.....

I'm scared that by the time I can replace my PC I'll have lost it and be starting from basically zero.
I'm scared that people will move on from me and I'll lose people I care about yet again in my life.
I don't know if I can come back from losing everyone again.

I'm actually so fucking upset.
Streaming has genuinely been a lifeline to me.
I had nothing and noone and now Ive been slowly growing a community.
People who were coming back to say hi and check in.

I havent had that in years. I havent had people who care in years.

I feel like everything is falling apart.
I feel like everything was for nothing.
I feel like everything is destined to fail.
I feel empty.
I feel like my world is collapsing.

I currently feel like all of that is being pulled away overnight through no fault of my own.

I feel like Im helplessly watching my world go up in flames because I dont have the money yet to upgrade my tech.

I can't put into words how much Streaming has meant to me the last 8 months.

Its helped bring me out of a large funk of depression. Helped me feel less lonely. Gave me something to look forward to each day. Sparked my creativityand given me friends I never want to lose.

I am actually so close to crashing out.

I can't have my PC die.

This is the one thing giving me purpose.

The one link I have to people right now.

If I lose this I dont know what I'm going to do.

Like I don't know how to just "hang out" I've only ever been around people when there is a reason too.

Be it playing YuGiOh, meeting for a drink after or outside of work, literally living in the same house...... I don't know how to do "friends" without a reason for interaction like that....

In the past being single hasn't felt nearly this bad. I think it's because I've always had friends to spend time with physically outside of work....

Im now at a point where my entire social circle is online and I feel like a bother messaging people without any form of reason to do so before hand

I'm sick of being alone. But why would someone want someone like me. Im broken goods. A literal nobody who cant even maintain friendships. Im already dont fit in peoples molds by being Trans and beinf Ace ontop just pushes more away.

I just want someone...

I was in such a good mood and it's all been ruined by one small silly thing.
What the hell, now Im just spiraling.
Like real spiraling.
Fuck my brain, I hate these feelings.

On the upsidr, maybe my brainworms will acknowledge that a decent number of people reached out tonight.

I probably worried them unintentionally, but the fact that happened should help realise that people do actually care about you dumbass.

I need to learn my limits better.
I've let myself do too much for too long in life and as I get oldr I need to recognise these limits are going to get smaller.

Im finally in a place where I dont NEED to be pushing myself this hard, but 5+ years of behaviour is hard to change I suppose.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder what the people I talk to really think of me..... Like, the voices keep telling me that they are just being polite/nice but deep down I want to believe that I am actually a likable person....

How the fuck do Ace people meet other Ace people..... asking for myself because fuck is shit lonely....

Miss having someone to cuddle and share my life with.....

Just had the realisation I've been out as Trans now for 11+ years of my life... so much has changed in that time...

I'm now working even harder to be a version of myself I can be happy with & I think I'm finally surrounding myself with the people that will help me get to there!

You'll never see this. But I'm sorry for how things went down. I'm sorry we couldn't stay on good terms and that everything just kind of imploded.

Wish I had someone to cuddle...

Life feels.... empty recently.

Like I love streaming, I love getting to talk to people and some of the people I've met I would never wish to lose....

But why do I feel isolated and alone still....

Feeling like I need somewhere seperate from everything else to just vent brain stuff because I dont have many people to talk to IRL.

I dont expect anyome to ever respond or follow this account and dont intend to ever bring any attention to it on others.

Just need something.