machu peepoo

you cannot mog me in a way that matters

a grocery store isle sign that says “hot cereal”

hot🥵🫦single😘✨🤤cereal🥣💦 in your area🛒📱✨💖

A tweet from Elon Musk that says: If I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, it would be trivial for me to do so without the help of a creepy loser like Epstein and I would still have 99% of my mind available to think about other things. But I don't.

love that he thinks that he can party with a bunch of girls using 1% of his brain

it’s like ten thousand goons when all you need is a wife

head on over. my place is just a hop, skip, and a splooge away

this or nothing

not all heroes wear condoms

@viewmaster.bex: “Got my husband a thermal camera for Christmas and found out our cat's butthole is 94 degrees.” A thermal photo shows the back of a cat, its tail is 72.6 degrees and its butt is 94.3.

this is why I can never log off

hold me peen
im six strokes from the edge and im gooning
maybe six strokes
will make me bust

filmmaking has ruined my brain
can’t be at the club without critiquing the color editing of the music videos

this power bottom ain’t big enough fer the both of us

why didn't victor just teach the monster to crank his hog? could've saved a lot of lives

ohhhhhh, we gotta talk

Probably my fault for reading the book directly before...

Feels like I'm the only one disappointed in the new Frankenstein movie?

definitely was not because i was watching escape from new york and had no idea

oh gosh darn it, i was too busy being a SEX HAVER to see the aurora tonight , couldn’t be helped

the boy who cried yiff

no just the regular kind of diopter is fine for me thanks

cats don’t like it when you twerk and kiss them at the same time it turns out

Please donate here: bit.ly/help4wak

“i missed that match. who topped?”

instead of referring to a wrestling match having a winner or a loser, i will now refer to them as a top or bottom

look ma! i’m doing it! i’m really doing it! (cranking my shit™)

nahhh, i’ve been doing comedy for awhile and seen plenty of people bomb. this was something ✨special✨

was just reminded of a crush i used to have that bombed so hard doing stand-up that i forgot they ever existed lmao

camera dept is a boys club…….. but i’m just a lil guy 😎♟️

224

A picture of my cat, from underneath her chin, looking up at her face, while her head and paws are poked through the wooden back part of a chair.

trying to focus on work but i cant stop riffing songs about my cat to my cat

Anchorage Pel Meni is back in the shop!!!