Sophie Delaney

Obsessed he kept his helmet on for the whole post game interview.

Tilly Norwood

If Bill Clinton is on the Epstein list, I absolutely think he should not be allowed to be the current President of the United States.

These truly have been, the perks of being a wallflower.

Quake for sure

Maybe just swallow the gum

I love being trans, I love trans people, fuck you if you don’t.

open.substack.com/pub/sophiewa...

People talk a lot of shit about “Dog and Pony Shows,” but I’ll tell you what....seems like something I’d like to see.

Everyone thinks that getting to refer to Martin Scorsese as, “Marty,” means you’ve made it Hollywood. But actually, the real test is getting to refer to Helen Miren as, “Bones.”

Every time my mailman shows up I mark his height on my door, but it’s not weird because he’s my only friend.

Cvs is claiming they, “aren’t responsible, for their valet driver stealing my car” because their stores, “don’t have a valet option,” and they, “have a hard time believing that I thought they might.”

Legislative, Executive, Judicial & Michelle: My 4 Branches of Government.

I eat ribs with my dentist after every appointment, and it’s not always a friendly time.

When Harry Met Sally - 1st draft

Int. Diner - Night

Sally: Yes, yes oh god yes!!!!

The diner takes notice of Sally’s delight. We cut over to a nearby table.

Lady: I’ll have what she’s having.
Waiter: Are you sure?
Lady: Yes.
Waiter: Okay, one Hawk Burger coming up.

I like my eggs like I like my detective novels, hardboiled and purchased in a gas station.

Not only can you not fight city hall, but apparently you can’t use their microwave to heat up some lasagna either.

I met my wife on Carvana, and yes, I married a Subaru Forester.

The “only fans” I need are my cats.

I never drink Dasani water, but I only wear Dasani jeans.

I dream of having a big family. We’d all wear Heelys to the airport and cruise to our gate in flank formation, together.

Daemon Targaryen sounds like something Anthony Kiedis would shout out as he’s trying to find his way back to a chorus.

Nice part about being trans is that I’m no longer on bachelor party email chains with men I don’t really know that open with, “Gentlemen,”

Anytime I come across a reasonably well dressed man in his 60’s with an English accent in LA, I just assume he was somehow involved with Fleetwood Mac.

I studied theater in hopes to one day win an Oscar/become the face of an insurance companies ad campaign