???

really have talked to people every hour or so because i want to finish this level as early as the end of next week. and considering its a 2 and a half minute layout i think thats a reasonable goal if im trying to put my all into it and spending between 10 & 13 hours in the gd level editor a day idk

couldnt if every 5 seconds i went to check if i got pinged on discord or whatever.

the level did not and will not help that btw im putting my all into this so that i can get it out as soon as possible and with the best quality possible. ive been spending 10+ hours a day in the gd editor and only

if it wasnt obvious btw the reason i basically havent talked to people over the past few days (including a person who i was talking to for multiple days in a row numerous times in the past month) is because i wanted to just

step away for a bit. i wanted to just relax for a while and felt like i

ive been feeling over the past few weeks. its been nice actually expressing myself through creativity even if im not the best at it rn and im gonna make sure i work on it for as much as possible every day until i get it out so i can just stop thinking about it all for a bit

the gd editor is such a good way to actually just express my emotions and especially like the thoughts of self harm/suicide or worthlessness or hopelessness or my fear of specifically the afterlife making everything in my life a living hell and making literally everything i do invoke fear into me

god this reads as such an unserious rant LMAO

🫂🫂🫂🫂

actually being so fr i think i would rather bash my fucking head into a wall continuously until im knocked unconscious than use the spotify search tab again and yet i still have to use it pretty normally for album listens and community rankings and stuff

also really random side tangent from the last post but oh my god i hate spotifys layout so much it feels so infuriating to navigate sometimes especially with like the search tab lol

terrible for like half the day

i hate how some achievements get completely overshadowed by others in a friend group because they spent a lot less time than another person on some achievement or did something more impressive bc ive had this happen numerous times now and even today it did and just kinda made me feel demotivated and

i hate stairs i nearly broke my leg like an hour ago because of them if i didn't like catch myself my leg would've probably been at a different angle than its supposed to be omg 😭

still cant believe theyve had to delay my dads train for 3 days and then another 2 hours today like jesus

been sitting at a train station for the past hour oh my god this is tedious

had to leave just bc it was actually getting to the point where if i stayed in that vc i think i wouldve fainted from how much damn pain i was feeling right then

love how im having fun with people in a vc and then my head starts pounding like crazy out of nowhere

it waaaas neither! it was instead the lamest day ever awesome

well todays either gonna be the best day ever or the worst day for my social anxiety

that being said i am doing a lot better rn lol

"flying"?????

in dms

lovely reasons to want to just stop for a while i think

"stop flying to be funny"

and i got made fun of for in another server crying after remembering my rabbit died close to a year ago

and absolutely berated in another server (none of these are the main one im active in) for liking one specific song. to the point where i was getting active harrassment

actually ive been told and mocked before in vcs directly to me that i repeat stuff too much and that im not funny in the past month and a half

ive been told in dms some of the most mentally damaging things that ive been told by anyone

i was told in a public server to kill myself

and another to

jamming out to music questioning life decisions except positive this time because how the hell did i manage to actually get hrt before most of my extremely close friends 😭

welp one month until i get either disappointed by someone yet again or just have a good day or something

i hate year round schedules i hate on pace learning i hate online school im never doing this again this has fucked everything up so badly

high school done early next month maybe

stupid fucking retakes on physics lessons making it impossible to finish this month :(

i am so so so tired but im not gonna sleep just yet bc of smth lmao

(why do i live here i need to get out)

lol my grandma is being blatantly racist again within a week of coming back home

i love life