The Relevant Organs

Charles Schumer, American Democrat party senator from the province of New York, widely known for pliability in the face of adversity.

EXPERTS: American “Democrat” party widely considered feckless.

South Korean President Lee Jae Myung presents arch-imperialist Trump with a replica golden crown in a glass case such as one might purchase on Taobao or in a provincial museum gift shop. The expression on comrade Trump’s face is the capitalists unbridled lust for gold. Meanwhile, President Lee radiates the self-satisfied aura of a lesser vassal who has forestalled a browbeating for another day. All are awash in shame.

EXPERTS: US President Donald J. Trump considered highly susceptible to gaudy trinkets and baubles.

Candidate for senator for the US province of Maine, shirtless, shows off new, politically acceptable tattoo of Comrade Xi Jinping in place of prior controversial tattoo of Nazi "totenkopf" symbol.

NEWS: Candidate for Senator of US province of Maine, Graham Platner, reveals new tattoo.

We once sent an entire generation of our youth to hoe turnip fields. Are you sure you want to get into a 吃苦-off with us, American friends?

Keep revising, comrades!

US PUNDITS: If China’s GDP growth rate falls below

❌10%
❌8%
❌6%
❌5%
???

the government will collapse!!!

Aging reactionary Eric Adams clasps hands with aging reactionary Andrew Cuomo before a crowd in a press photo above the headline, “Eric Adams will endorse Andrew Cuomo for mayor.” The two reactionaries are both labeled “Reactionaries.” Above their clasped hands is the text, “Stopping a socialist,” which is the thing reactionaries love most.

Nothing unites reactionary factions like a charismatic socialist.

We encourage all Americans to study deeply Pete Hegseth Thought, but especially Americans who work in national security

We wouldn’t let these guys into our military headquarters either, tbh.

Honestly wish we could shut the US government down half as well as it shuts itself down.

OFFICIAL: China urges U.S. government to avoid human rights abuses in restive American province of Oregon.

SOURCES: Session expected to be brief.

NEWS: US Secretary of War Hegseth summons top military leaders for Party study session on Donald Trump Thought.

BREAKING: American comedian rehabilitated.

We’re suckers for a gold card, but we looked into this and it doesn’t get you into anyplace cool.

Subject to guidance from the Center, of course.

Comedians in China still allowed to make fun of US government.

A screen capture of a Donald Trump Truth Social post that reads: “ Today, I have the Great Honor of bringing a $15 Billion Dollar Defamation and Libel Lawsuit against The New York Times, one of the worst and most degenerate newspapers in the History of our Country, becoming a virtual "mouthpiece" for the Radical Left Democrat Party. I view it as the single largest illegal Campaign contribution, EVER. Their Endorsement of Kamala Harris was actually put dead center on the front page of The New York Times, something heretofore UNHEARD OF! The "Times" has engaged in a decades long method of lying about your Favorite President (ME!), my family, business, the America First Movement, MAGA, and our Nation as a whole. I am PROUD to hold this once respected "rag" responsible, as we are doing with the Fake News Networks such as our successful litigation against George Slopadopoulos/ABC/Disney, and 60 Minutes/CBS/Paramount, who knew that they were falsely "smearing" me through a highly sophisticated system of document and visual alteration, which was, in effect, a malicious form of defamation, and thus, settled for record amounts. They practiced this longterm INTENT and pattern of abuse, which is both unacceptable and illegal. The New York Times has been allowed to freely lie, smear, and defame me for far too long, and that stops, NOW! The suit is being brought in the Great State of Florida. Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

OPINION: Comrade Trump is practicing politics the right way.

Close the universities and send down the students to labor on the farms. What could go wrong?

👀

Good heavens. Isn’t one enough?

China Detains Man for ‘Defamatory’ Remarks About Xi’s Parade Police in China detained a man for comments critical of President Xi Jinping’s military parade, highlighting the ruling Communist Party’s intolerance of dissent.

MEDIA GUIDANCE: Do not report on remarks that comrade Xi’s Hongqi limousine “looks like a pregnant Lada”. www.bloomberg.com/news/article...

UPDATE: We are informed by the leading small group on DSA affairs that if any American city were to invade itself, it would be Portland.

Mental note to raise the prices on rare earths again.

Good thinking, comrades. Portland isn’t going to invade itself.

Challenging our interns to say, "Pete Hegseth, Secretary of War," without bursting into laughter.

Should be called the Department of Can't Build No Ships.

Wait...It wasn't always called that?

Good idea, comrades. Nothing gets the political blood pumping harder than a plenary session. Make sure you have banners.

OFFICIAL: Claims that military parade is “crypto-erotic spectacle” dismissed.