The Relevant Organs

OPINION: Nvidia must prove to China that there are no so-called “back doors” in its products. Or, in lieu of such proof, offer substantial discounts on its products and unlimited use of Jensen’s Ferrari 458 Italia next time we visit our nephews at Stanford. www.globaltimes.cn/page/202508/...

One weird trick for economic management: If you hold a piece of paper with glittering harvest statistics in front of your face, you can’t see the starving people!

Under the Party’s leadership and with firm guidance from the Center, 100% of people who report being employed are working. A golden age dawns!

Plus, anyone without a job isn’t part of the productive forces and probably shouldn’t be measured.

Excellent move, comrade! Why even have statistics if they don’t support Party ideology?

Regrettably, he was executed for corruption. Related: we have a line on some gilded banquet chairs we can sell at a bargain price! Fax us!

Our uncle in the coal business had a banquet hall in his villa in Taiyuan that looked just like this!

Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokescadre: “No opinion on the matter.”

US NEWS: Adequacy of actress Sidney Sweeney’s jeans questioned.

Comrade Rubio, is there any spare room in CECOT? Asking for a friend.

“Hot Girls of Communism” suitable for audiences of all ages.

National Radio and Television Administration: “Hot Girls of Capitalism” show unsuited for broadcast in China due to risks of spiritual pollution, smut.

Comrade Xi Jinping does not get sand kicked in his face at the beach.

POLITICS: U.S. Democrat party pledges to not get sand kicked in face at beach anymore.

CORRECTION: Mr. Hogan was Secretary of Education. We regret the error.

OFFICIAL: Condolences offered upon death of U.S. Secretary of Commerce Hulk Hogan.

*Pubic hair. The translation intern has been sent for re-education in Party work camp in Ningxia.

Excellent move. Strong and confident regimes have no need for so-called “comedy,” which serves only to undermine socialist spiritual civilization.

For comrade Xi Jinping, every day is a another wonderful secret.

Using comrade Xi’s signature to render the public hair in an illustration of a naked woman without the written authorization of the Secretariat of the Central Committee is unlawful.

Comrade Xi Jinping not among signers of Jeffrey Epstein’s birthday book.

Taking a very long time. Is this thing even working?

Asking China’s indigenously-innovated DeepSeek AI for a word for “Kremlinology” when everyone involved is stupid.

Just going to use that money to buy Wuliangye and tell our bosses we spent it on sabotage.

Honestly no idea why we even still have a sabotage budget. Americans will do it to themselves for free.

Next, we recommend rectifying your political cartoonists and firmly guiding them toward hilarity in the service of the Party.

To study in the U.S. under Trump, international students scrub their accounts Student visa seekers are deleting posts, photos and memes, for fear of divergence from “founding principles of the United States.”

Admirable work, American friends. Only the strongest and most confident governments suppress criticism this comprehensively. www.washingtonpost.com/world/2025/0...

OPINION: A sad day for powerless, rubber-stamping apparatchiks everywhere.

Comrade Xi Jinping does not have a “branded fragrance.” However, if he did, it would subtle but unmistakable, warm but unyielding, evocative of a blossoming new era of socialism with Chinese characteristics, and confounding to anti-Party and reactionary elements. With a hint of sandalwood.

UNSIGNED EDITORIAL: Government Must Crack Down On Croissant Craze Gripping New York City’s Bakeries