Ed MB

My passwords are easily cracked
So, if our work systems are hacked
The phones will be locked
And if staff are all blocked
Does that mean we all could be stacked?

You missed on my job application
Distinct lack of qualification.
I'm quite the imposter
But now on the roster
And superglued to this workstation.

The Sistine chapel was painted by Signor Buonarotti, but we know him as Michelangelo. Imagine being so good at your job that your first name becomes a synonym for excellence!
"Wow, this accounting spreadsheet is incredible. It's like a Margaret!"
"This cake tastes like a Steve!"

I tried to set up a company to rival the success of Dollar Shave Club. I have no idea why my business, Euro Grooming Gang, hasn't been so popular.

In all the blue movies I've seen
The star had a circumcised peen.
I duct-taped my nob
As a DIY job,
But when I got hard, it turned green.

a man in a suit is sitting in a chair in front of a television that says ultimate e12 e14 ALT: a man in a suit is sitting in a chair in front of a television that says ultimate e12 e14

It's shocking my boss has ignored
How many gift vouchers I've scored.
With each monthly draw
I'm winning one more.
The secret ingredient's fraud.

Although this is out of the blue
I need a small favour from you.
The lads made a bet
My nob's never got wet.
Could you please confirm - did we screw?

It's the lingering little leftovers of lunacy that distinguish us from the machines.

My guests are impressed when they stay
By my Christmas cards on display.
I like to pretend
Each one's a new friend
But I never throw them away.

Nice. You also managed to do that without making up any new words, which beats me!

For dieting, I have deducted
All lunches can be deconstructed.
My sandwich 'sans bread'
Is just mayo instead
(Though acid may soon be reflucted).

Thanks for the tip. I have followed both and will see how it works out.

The bin men may well have a shock
To find, in the trash on my block
My neighbour (who's gay)
Seems to have thrown away
My huge, rubber, vibrating...

I'm getting there!

That last 0.2 always gets me. Thank you for the compliment, and for the incentive to work harder!

My other half's mum's in a huff.
She told me "I'm finding it tough
Believing that my son-
In-law shagged a Dyson
Whilst trying to suck up a guff!"

The reason my first marriage ended,
A problem that couldn't be mended:
Our drawers were all messes
Of shirts, pants and dresses,
Not sorted as nature intended.

Your joints feeling painful and tight is
A warning sign you have arthritis.
When knuckles are sore
No drug is my cure.
Massaging a warm bag of shite is.

The sole target in my career
Is to (over time) disappear.
If I have no tasks
And nobody asks
I'll get paid for just being here.

I massively cut back on social media as those other sites became petri-dishes for AI crap and extremist rants.
Still cancer-free but seemingly never far from fairly major surgery, things are pretty good now, so let's see how this goes.

By claiming you work for the news
You could get a pass you can use
For meeting the stars
And drinks at free bars
(Or peeing in clean portaloos).

I feel for whoever stood under
The Sainsbury's bag full of chunder
My mother was throwing
With no way of knowing
It was her own son's boozy blunder.

Thanks for reaching out, Andi. I'm doing well, thanks. I've spent a while on a low-social-media diet since Twixter turned into an AI hellscape. Maybe it's time for a comeback...

A new tool the pub has instated
'Til toilet drug-use has abated
Is WD40,
So if you are naughty
Your nose will be well-lubricated.

Of course. Very good.
Sorry, I'm tired this morning.

Do you mean A Movement (bowels)?

To eat the odd sugar-free sweet
Can be a nice tooth-friendly treat,
But too many, mind,
You'll very soon find
Your guts empty out on your seat.

I appreciate that you're eager to read more of my work, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

I'm sorry you took a wee tumble
When me and your mate had a fumble.
I noticed you slipped
On his spaff that dripped
Unknowingly out of my grumble.

My neighbour flew off to Sin City,
And asked me if I would house sit. He
Might not be aware
I now poop over there.
As house-sitters go, I'm quite sh1tty!