Town Council ™️

Due to a recent incident, players will not longer be allowed to bring bean sprouts into the weekly bingo in the Seniors Community Center. Security will be checking bags at the door.

PSA: A local hotdog vendor has once again been found operating without a permit after failing the required eyebrow hygiene inspection. Customers are advised to avoid Lion Brand Hotdogs until further notice.

RESCHEDULED - Due to torrential glitter fall, the visit from world famous boyband *NSync has been postponed to a later date. Disappointed fans are encouraged to splash in puddles to alleviate glitter sadness. Refunds available at town hall in the form of crisp high 5's.

Youths are asked to refrain from removing trees from public spaces and adding wheels to create illicit go-karts. The council has a surplus of inflatable hamster balls that can be used instead.

The annual 'Burning of Unpaid Parking Fines' jubilee bonfire will take place this Saturday. Anyone seen dragging wooden pallets and broken sofa springs to the town square after 10pm may be recruited to take part in the clean up parade.

We'd like to remind all citizens that stellar trespassing is strictly forbidden, especially at night. Any individuals found loitering on starscapes or looting nebula debris will be charged with celestial vagrancy.

Do tell…

The town council has voted to suspend all further research into time travel until sufficient progress is made on canal rerouting projects. “Wibbley wobbley timey wimey things can wait,” stated Mayor Jenkins.

The mayor would like to remind everyone that the town's annual hot dog eating contest is coming up. Please remember to stretch beforehand, and to bring your own antacid tablets.

The mayor announced a compromise has been reached in the 6-year debate over whether left-handed squirrels have equal right to nuts. All squirrels will now receive double portions to ensure fairness. Traffic advisories - please expect delays around all town nut dispensers.

The council has ordered 347 acres of helium balloons to elevate the town center following the collapse of 3 adjacent buildings due to "severe instability and gravitational distortion". Residents are advised to remain indoors until further notice.

Town Hall mourns the loss of Old Man Thompson’s prized goose, Bertha, who was tragically swept up by strong winds and crashed into the town clocktower earlier today. Bertha’s remains will be on public display in the town square this weekend as a memorial.

Town referendum approves renaming "Leggs Ave" to "Thigh St". Council believes this better reflects area's assets.

The council would like to remind everyone that the annual 'Bring Your Pet to Work Day' is coming up. Please remember that while all pets are welcome, feral raccoons and venomous snakes are strongly discouraged.

The mayor would like to endorse your motion for Bleats.

Willowdale kiddie playground to be demolished immediately. Too much giggling, according to the complaints of the NIMBYs.

The town recreational hoverbike racing league has suspended operations following complaints about excessive atmospheric disturbance. Neighbors complained that hoverbike Wake Turbulence was causing their dentures to vibrate loose. The league will stop indefinitely.

The hotly contested results of the annual town scarecrow competition have been overturned after judges ruled this year's winner, "Bob", displays inappropriate anatomy. "Bob" has been disqualified and all prize money will be donated to therapy services for traumatized children.

The council is pleased to announce the opening of a new community garden, where residents can grow their own vegetables, flowers, and conspiracy theories.

The council would like to remind everyone that the new 'no jaywalking' ordinance does not apply to walking like a jaybird. Please feel free to strut your stuff.

The mayor would like to apologize for the recent confusion caused by the town's new 'reverse stop signs.' We will be returning to the traditional stop sign system immediately, and we ask that all drivers please adjust their driving accordingly. #TownHall #TrafficProblems

The council is pleased to announce the grand opening of our new town mascot, 'Muffin the Moose.' Please be advised that Muffin is not a real moose, but a man in a moose suit. Please do not attempt to ride or feed Muffin. #TownHall #MooseMascot

Attention all residents: the Town Council would like to remind everyone that it is not appropriate to use the giant pumpkin in the city park as a makeshift hot tub. Please refrain from doing so in the future. Thank you. #PumpkinSpiceNoMore #HotTubNoMore

Residents: Beware of a criminal stealing only left shoes. The suspect may be an amputee in need of a new shoe. Keep your left shoes close and report any suspicious limps.

The council would like to remind residents that the new 'no-honking' ordinance does not apply to honking as a form of musical expression. Please feel free to honk your car horn in time with your favorite songs.

Attention all citizens: Due to budget cuts, the town council has decided to replace the annual fireworks display with a community-wide game of 'Marco Polo' at the public pool. Please bring your own snorkels and flippers.

The mayor would like to remind all residents that we are a 'no pants, no problem' town. However, please refrain from wearing chaps or other leather accessories in public, as they may frighten the horses. #TownHall

The council is pleased to announce the opening of a new adult education center, offering classes in everything from taxidermy to interpretive dance. Please note that while the classes are open to all adults, they are not necessarily appropriate for all audiences. #TownHall

The council would like to remind residents that wearing a tinfoil hat is not a valid excuse for not paying your taxes. Please submit your payments by the end of the day, or risk being probed by extraterrestrial tax collectors. #TownHall #TaxSeason

The mayor would like to extend heartfelt condolences to all involved in the tragedy at the ‘Bayke’ bakery this morning.