Zack Bornstein

Not to get political, but America is very pretty and has a lot of nice folks making cool things, and I think if we had a president who wasn’t actively trying to murder us, we could have a pretty good time

Not to get all high and mighty, but if I had my own masked Gestapo army executing nurses in the streets, id ask them to please stop

The 5 elements if I was Captain Planet:

Happy anniversary to the last time a Republican actually took a stand

Going to the gym at work

Pros:
-Convenient
-Saves money
-Built in consistency
-Can shower there
-Spot friends
-Rarely crowded

Cons
-Once a quarter your boss sees your penis

Things JD Vance Has Stuck His Member In

Can I sue Gillette for letting me do this?

Midsommar / Midwintar

Apparently it takes 4 years to stop looking like non binary Pablo Escobar

POV: You’re about to be asked the worst 3 riddles you’ve ever heard to cross this bridge

Happy Spider-Man Rimming Uncle Sam Day to all who celebrate

Safe topics for your family Thanksgiving:
-Hamas
-Everyone’s weight, net worth
-Lives that matter
-Only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun
-Who AI will replace first
-Who controls a woman’s body
-Sydney Sweeney ads
-Best ethnicity
-The Jews, general or specific
-Trump hot?

BREAKING: Trump pardons turkey who appeared 28 times on Epstein flight logs

this is killing me, why would they choose a model who looks so deeply scared and uncomfortable

When you’re crushing so hard you start dressing like them

Whoever finds a way to put 30g of protein in a cigarette will become the first trillionaire

I could be staring at my hand locking my front door, and I still won’t feel 100% sure my front door was locked

That’s worse but accurate

why does everyone keep saying I have sad eyes

just realized my cats probably think I spend 10 hours a day in the garage

It’s truly bananas we’re expected to go about our lives eating lunch and putting on pants like the President isn’t a well documented child sex predator who was best friends with the king of child sex predators

CNN: Trump in Epstein files
NBC: Trump in Epstein files
ABC: Trump in Epstein files
FOX:

Democrats with no leverage: Give in to GOP

Democrats with all the leverage, social mandate, moral authority, clear achievable win in sight: Give in to GOP

I don’t understand why Trump’s approval rating is finally slipping when he’s building a golden ballroom at his house while actively stopping 42 million Americans from getting food stamps, 40% of whom are children

I don’t understand how Trump lost so much ground from a year ago after spending every single day making people’s lives hell while raking in $3 billion in Qatari bribes through his crypto coin

If 3 people in a row don’t pick up your call it’s because everyone you’ve ever met is in a room together voting on your greatest flaw

I don’t understand why dating is so hard, all I’m looking for is a new best friend from scratch who I’m willing to die for that must get along with all my family and friends and have comparable ambition and identical values and wild sexual chemistry with me and no else forever

At the end of the day, we are all Americans. Sure, we have differences on policy. One side wants to give everyone healthcare and good wages. The other wants to create a white Christian ethnostate where the president can legally assassinate anyone at will. But we are not enemies.

ah yes another beautiful morning, time to decide if I want to be informed and frozen in panic, or willfully ignorant with a numbing background dread

Not gonna lie toddlers absolutely nailed it with naps, buttered noodles, and rejecting authority