Zack Bornstein

Whoever finds a way to put 30g of protein in a cigarette will become the first trillionaire

I could be staring at my hand locking my front door, and I still won’t feel 100% sure my front door was locked

That’s worse but accurate

why does everyone keep saying I have sad eyes

just realized my cats probably think I spend 10 hours a day in the garage

It’s truly bananas we’re expected to go about our lives eating lunch and putting on pants like the President isn’t a well documented child sex predator who was best friends with the king of child sex predators

CNN: Trump in Epstein files
NBC: Trump in Epstein files
ABC: Trump in Epstein files
FOX:

Democrats with no leverage: Give in to GOP

Democrats with all the leverage, social mandate, moral authority, clear achievable win in sight: Give in to GOP

I don’t understand why Trump’s approval rating is finally slipping when he’s building a golden ballroom at his house while actively stopping 42 million Americans from getting food stamps, 40% of whom are children

I don’t understand how Trump lost so much ground from a year ago after spending every single day making people’s lives hell while raking in $3 billion in Qatari bribes through his crypto coin

If 3 people in a row don’t pick up your call it’s because everyone you’ve ever met is in a room together voting on your greatest flaw

I don’t understand why dating is so hard, all I’m looking for is a new best friend from scratch who I’m willing to die for that must get along with all my family and friends and have comparable ambition and identical values and wild sexual chemistry with me and no else forever

At the end of the day, we are all Americans. Sure, we have differences on policy. One side wants to give everyone healthcare and good wages. The other wants to create a white Christian ethnostate where the president can legally assassinate anyone at will. But we are not enemies.

ah yes another beautiful morning, time to decide if I want to be informed and frozen in panic, or willfully ignorant with a numbing background dread

Not gonna lie toddlers absolutely nailed it with naps, buttered noodles, and rejecting authority

Hot girl summer is over. It’s divorce lawyer fall.

me before and after seeing a tasty looking pie being sliced up

love to fit into this world

if only there was some kind of amendment that could prevent this from happening. pretty important stuff too, id prolly put it first

Lmao

Simply haunted

Emmys 8 years apart

dirty mirror, dead inside, can’t lose

There is a fly with me on this international flight, little bro has no idea how different his life is about to be

…just got the finger from a Waymo

I’d rather pay double than say that

Trump 2024: I will be the President of peace.

Trump 2025: THE DEPARTMENT OF WAR WILL NOT REST UNTIL WE HAVE DEFEATED CHICAGO

When friends ask me to dinner after 9pm

I’m a guy who believes more children should have measles for no reason, and I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to finally feel represented by my government

who would’ve guessed that the guy whose brain has been eaten by a worm would be bad a managing our health system