AcefullyCurious

Anyway that’s it that’s …that’s all I have
I’m here not here I’m missing i’m alive I’m gone I’m absent I’m scattered I’m not put together
And I’m trying to find a single thread that’ll pull everything together
Anywho that’s all

But yes from my (Ace) perspective I do miss bluesky and the people here.
I also want to avoid you all entirely until somethings less wobbly
and I don’t know if that’ll be anytime soon
My birthdays coming up on Tuesday
I dread the entire day

If I had steadier footing I might…could return but right now I just
I can’t do it
I don’t want to do it
And I don’t ….I don’t know really why
I mean I know why but I also don’t.
Warring. You see?
Even in trying to explain I don’t know whose trying to talk

I know from my (Ace) perspective I do ///miss the community that’s here. I do ///miss the Vent community that’s here and the few people I managed to talk to but I don’t…
I don’t know if I’m allowed to want that or keep that or experience it or if it’s really ///me.

Not the existential crisis and not the heart ache I can’t shake
I don’t know what I want anymore I don’t know what I’m suppose to want anymore
Because ///I don’t know if it’s ///me talking or ///someone else

Because the idea of having this weight around on me and it …bleeding out onto other people doesn’t sit with me
They deserve to believe the lies of I’m fine she’s fine she’s ok she’s alive that’s it that’s all that matters not the horrors I experience

Her only “friend” hasn’t contacted us back and I just …
Is the fighting even worth it? Is being Ace
remaining as Ace even worth it????
Is any of it worth it anymore?????
That’s where I am
And that’s why I can’t return

I’m tired of waking up not knowing where I am who I am what standing I even have anymore In tired of guessing In tired of silence but is that ///me talking or the thing inside ///us talking?
What really do we want anymore?????
And how do we even fix everything that’s been broken over 2 years?

Why did I lose…
why did she lose a partner of 2 years why can’t we remember???? Why is this a thing why can’t I connect ???? Is this because of the internal warring still going on ? Is that what’s fucking everything up?
I don’t know
I don’t know and I’m tired of not knowing

But that dream

She was laughing in her dream
Did she make people laugh? Did we make people laugh? Was she not a burden to people????? Were we accepted???? If we were accepted why did we lose everyone?????

that wants to take back the body I’m in????
I wake up and expect nothing from nobody I wake up and don’t expect a single text or message I wake up and it’s empty notifications it’s empty it’s empty it’s empty and I say it’s ok it’s ok it’s ok they’re all better off they’re ok they’ll survive

I keep saying that and some days I think it’s true I think I’m ok with never bonding with a single person but nights like tonight and since that dream it’s like

What if that’s wrong? And if so have I been wrong this entire time and is that because I am fighting something

I don’t take these things for granted but what am I if I can’t even …
If I can’t
If I can’t respond ?

I keep telling myself i’m ok with being alone being without a single solid support system
being without anyone to talk to every day being ok ///alone
not hurting anyone but myself daily

when I can’t maintain a single connection because it’s like lighting myself on fire? Why can’t I be a friend when I should know how to be one but every time I tried with anyone I burned out so fast I couldn’t respond to a single “Are you ok?” and “I’m here if you wanna talk”

Who was I from before and what am I now? Who am I really under all this? A coward? A person? A demented individual? Someone not meant for this world what am I????
What was the point of all this???? Why do I still ache for a girl whose past I can’t remember why do I still ache for connections

What happens to the smallest of things I’ve wanted that had no ties to my past???? What happens to all that???? Does it go away too????
I can’t …
I think of reaching out so many times but how can I rely on anyone when I’m in a state of disintegrating and being …formed?

That dream thus never ending ache this never ending….drive

I fear if I release control it’s going to push me out and I’ll disappear and whoever takes the reins
I don’t know who that will be
Mercy? Or some twisted form of Mercy? What happens to feelings I had for ppl I’ve met since I’ve been awake

I don’t know how to explain it but she went away
She went away I felt her leave and I don’t know where she went but she went willingly with some past I don’t recall and don’t want to recall and I’ve not felt her since
But this???

because it means ///I disappear
Ace
disappears
///I go away
And I know I’ve said before I wanted to disappear I know my absence of 2 months is me trying to “disappear” but what ///I mean when I talk of disappearing I’m meaning something permanent for ALL of us.
Kate died. I felt her die.

control
I think it’s fighting me
I think it knows I don’t belong
I think it knows I belong somewhere else
We belong somewhere else and I …
I don’t want to go there
If I go there I disappear
and I know that’s stupid
All this time
2 years
2 years of fighting this and I don’t want to give control

like a normal person would.
I don’t know the first thing on being a friend or being “myself” because “myself” is shattered in ways I can’t ….grasp?
What I think are ///my interests
are really hers
The ache I feel all the time are not my aches but ///hers
This body
This body is fighting for

And now I’m here
And I’m wondering …
I’m wondering what if all means
But worse
I’m wondering if I’ve made some kind of mistake I don’t understand

But it’s tearing me apart.
I can’t pretend to be…the me from before. I can’t pretend . For anyone. I don’t know things I don’t know how to act

They didn’t laugh at her they were all laughing together and she was in the middle of it all and making them laugh
And the people she was with
w…are people I’ve met in the past year. Her friends. Her….family. I woke up so scared and confused and when I woke up it’s like the lids slammed closed

gesture the ….moment. Of opening.
That had me waking up in a panic
I saw …myself or
some version of myself
from before
I saw …her.
I saw her. The former me. And she was laughing. With people she knew she was laughing. And they laughed with her.

I dreamed I had all these unopened boxes. Long story short these dreams contained …memories. The memories weren’t real like they weren’t ….they didn’t reflect what happened in real life but it was the

I had a dream recently
Not of -
Not of her.
No.
I haven’t dreamed of her since July
I don’t know if that’s good or bad but this dream was….different

I think do they really want to hear from me? The me that’s here now- not the one from before?
Sometimes I tell myself they do they care and then it’s like
something clicks in my head and I wonder if it’s all a joke.

So….
*rubs neck*
I dunno an update?
Not that I expect anyone to care I just ….
I dunno

I’m to a point I don’t know what I want anymore. Friends, lovers, mutuals. Anyone. Anything.

Every time I think of reaching out to ….
I dunno Max or Joker or someone else from her past I just freeze up

It’s been 2 months??????
How long have I been away
Sigh.
I’m not comfortable with returning. For multiple reasons. There’s a reason I stopped reaching out and honestly I have no idea if I have the energy for it again
I do miss everyone but guys I’m tired lol.
I’m so tired.
It’s not the same.

#Vent community hello I’m not fully back I was dragged out of my self exiled hell camp and somehow ended up with a mass spammer in my inbox. Report this account do not engage with them do not give them info of any kind. Please. These spams have reached my tumblr & twitter now here. be careful