Cru

ITS CALLED WAR PROFITEERING BAYBAYYYYY

was watching my ex husband try to put new trucks on our kids tech deck and after like five minutes of dropping screws i had to say “dude how did you even get me pregnant”

Im gonna buy it and raise the price

your adulthood sled

colonel mustard!

ngl i thought it was “orangutang” until like 6 years ago

if i say i did something 3 weeks ago it’s safe to assume i meant yesterday

rosebud was the name of the housekeeper he murdered

This is day 3 of them knocking out half the city. If Allegheny County communications had a well setup operation, you can triangulate that in minutes. However this has exposed a massive security gap. They have no plan.

i need a wall-sized map with pins in every active volcano

me: why didn’t Ariel just write a note to the Prince after she lost her voice to let him know what Ursula did to her? i mean she signed the contract so we know she can write

pharmacist: i meant questions about the medication

nobody even writes little ditties about jackin diane anymore

Me: Let me make this really important phone call.

Body: Let's do it with a weird bubble in your throat, yeah?

let us not speak about how powerful a community could be if it were not for landlords and airbnb owners

you’re not a savvy entrepreneur, you’re a dipshit who takes away from people owning homes in a community, hope this helps, enjoy the gulag

cru for president, we have a guillotine for landlords.

I don’t check my emails. Let fame find me at my door.

Sorry I invited you over for a romantic dinner then fed you Beef-A-Roni and unfrosted Pop Tarts.

okay I’m gonna get canceled for being the only person who likes unfrosted pop tarts

[Me at my second rodeo] listen here, you ignorant piece of shit

Much like a succulent, I too thrive on neglect.

boy, are you a seagull because i want to fight you in a parking lot for the last hot dog

I STILL highly contend most of these people are on the registry and can’t be near schools

YOU MIGHT BE AN ICE AGENT IF you were turned down for every other form of service bc you’re a fucking nonce

the first rule of ICE agent club is your dad never said he was proud of you

YOU MIGHT BE AN ICE AGENT IF your wife has absolutely pegged you on your wedding night (I’m not shaming, it’s just clear that they love anal pleasures and are pretending they don’t)

YOU MIGHT BE AN ICE AGENT IF

you believe strongly in America but don’t abide by constitutional rights because you think you’re special even tho everyone here except for natives are immigrants lmao fuckin dipshit

YOU MIGHT BE AN ICE AGENT IF you bought your uniform on Amazon and still haven’t gotten paid lmao fuckaas bitch

YOUUUUUU MIGHT BE AN ICE AGENT IF

you had a d average in school and didn’t pass the presidential fitness exam and made a hit list and got kicked out of school