St. Simeon the Holy Fool

“Millions of years old and they look as if they were laid yesterday!”

“Millions of years old and they look as if they were laid yesterday!”

ME: What can we do now, Hockey Monkey?

HOCKEY MONKEY: Eek eek whoop

ME: Yeah but we always do that

ANSWER: Totally starstruck!

QUESTION: How did the dinosaurs feel when the asteroid hit?

Zero is a number

Benny is all right but that is way too many jets.

a pack of kittens closes in a a large dog standing on a chair

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“As the predators close in on their helpless prey, we can only watch in silent horror, for it is not man’s role to interfere in the hierarchy of nature.”

Turns out “vote blue no matter who” is not really good advice for the Democratic Primary, I know this now

The doctor said I need to lose the beer belly but I told him it’s actually a

Roy, Son of Orb

In a statement, the Devil said, “Honestly I’m not sure what changed, I used to have to pay people to sell their souls to me.”

🎵WAR! (hoo!) (yeah!)
What is it good for?
Polymarket betting!

Pumpkin Spice Fettuccini

This morning’s question from Kid: “what was Mr. T’s job?”

He’d seen some YouTubes about Mr. T but apparently what exactly Mr. T was doing was unclear.

Yeah we didn’t know either, but he was cool in the 80s.

Does Every Person Need A Pony? We Asked 357 Birthday Girls. What We Got Thrown At Us Might Surprise You

What is Tinkerbell Tacs?

Nicole, I'm so sorry! It does that every once in a while!

Today you will meet a tall dark stranger. You might say he’s not your type, but if you think about it, there’s something kind of mysteriously hot about a cloak and a scythe

You’re in her dms, I’m crashing my car into a fruit stand during a high speed chase

Son Of The Three Wise Men (1996): A brokenhearted hotel manager trying to make a good impression on the Thanksgiving blizzard discovers a recently divorced resort with a mind of its own!

“Look out for number one!”

“Why?”

“It flew over the cuckoo’s nest!”

Pumpkin Spice Line Of Products

(pouring barbecue sauce) “Vote Blue no matter who!”

“What?”

“I’m just following the recipe.”

“…”

“It says Apply liberally.”

——

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come with me if you want to live más

GEMINI: You’ll discover romance in a moment you weren’t even looking for it: flipping through the encyclopedia, right next to the article on the Roman Empire.

When life gives you lemons, open a used car dealership

Call me back when they’ve made every bathroom in every store mandatory gender neutral just to piss off the transphobes, mkay?

"Great question, Croesus! While my status as a delphic model prevents me from elaborating further, I can affirm that by going to war with Persia you *will* destroy a mighty empire. Would you like me to write this up as a set of daily affirmations, or perhaps you'd like a list of mighty empires?"

a woman wearing a target vest is flexing her muscles in a store . Alt: Kristen Wiig as The Target Lady from SNL

What do you mean “Tarzhay”? Everyone knows it’s pronounced “Teergit”

Today you will meet a tall dark stranger. You might say he’s not your type, but if you think about it, there’s something kind of mysteriously hot about a cloak and a scythe

Cartoon of a newspaper with a masthead that says Daily Bugle. Lead headline: “EVERYTHING AWFUL, Oh God Somebody Do Something “