St. Simeon the Ho-Ho-Holy Fool

GEORGE WASHINGTON’S FATHER: Did you chop down the cherry tree?

PINOCCHIO: So you’re not going to believe this—

On the Fifth Day of Christmas, my True Love gave to me

FIVE GOLD RINGS

But they were all of them deceived, for another Ring was made

In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master Ring, to control all others

#THEOLOGY

I am not a Mormon but I feel like this is inexplicably correct

SHERLOCK: Once you have ruled out the impossible, the only thing that remains, however improbable, is the possible.

WATSON: Holmes… is it possible you’re drunk?

SHERLOCK: Probably.

God does not play dice with the universe, ever since he caught the universe cheating that one time. Can’t play dice with a cheater.

Who is the head of state?

Without any further fanfare, let me announce that all our trumpeters are on strike

Pumpkin Spice Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

@maimonidesnutz.bsky.social

Pumpkin Spice Menorah

She’s a 10 but she broke a guy’s Meta glasses with her bare hands

She’s a 12

One job that has definitely already been replaced by A.I. and it weirdly bums me out: Guys who owns a yellow Ferrari and charges crypto bros and scamfluencers to take a photo in front of it so they can pretend it’s their yellow Ferrari

The reason you sprinkle posts like "The brain is the Ass of the head" throughout your timeline is to preserve the insanity plea in case you ever need it

10:26 < Chicken Ragù Bianco | 19 350-degree oven.) Step 5 Once the chicken has cooked, let it cool for a few minutes, then take it out of the liquid (but keep the cooking liquid in the pot) and let it cool until you can comfortably handle it. Pull off the skin and feed it to your dog, then pull off the meat in large shreds (chop the larger ones) and return the chicken to the cooking liquid.

did… did the dog write this recipe

Please note for all companies, I am available to work as your CEO for a mere $50 billion

ME: Now you might be wondering why I called you Doll Eyes—

GORDON: I assure you I am not

ME: —but actually I was talking to these! (Holds up a bag of doll eyes)

GORDON: Oh my [bleep]

ME: Tut, tut, language!

GORDON: Did— you just bleep me?

ME: Yep! (Holds up a bleeper)

GORDON: What the [bleep]

And now, G.R.A.D. (Gordon Ramsay’s Awful Day)!

INT. Kitchen

GORDON RAMSAY (waking slowly) ooh, what a kitchen nightmare

ME: Good morning, doll eyes!

GORDON: Aah! Who are you?

ME: I’m just the script boy.

GORDON: what

ME: Well when two movies scripts love each other very much—

GORDON: Shut up

The Night Before Environmentalists (1965): A saint's daughter writes to Good King Wenceslas, asking for time machines for Christmas. When an assassin receives the letter, he finds pianos and a hint of job.

You gotta get up pretty early in the morning if you want to be as tired as me.

Pumpkin Spice Jack The Ripper

🎶Simply having a wonderful Life Day time 🎶

I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

It is possible in every universe that there may one day exist a Star Wars character named Paal M'Khartni (a shameless 30-second cameo)

The Most Fired Time Of The Year (1934): Satan must stop handymans from ruining Christmas. It's the Krampus to the rescue!

Missed Connections: We were on the subway. You broke a guy’s Meta glasses with your bare hands

“You will journey to the Dagobah system and learn the ways of the Force from Ringo Starr, the Jedi Master who instructed me”

Nobody would have even blinked

There is certainly an alternate universe where “Ringo Starr” is the name of a main character in Star Wars

*trailer voice

This Christmas, Disney brings you a new muppets holiday classic from the pen of Charles Dickens, MUPPETS BLEAK HOUSE

Rogue narthex