St. Simeon the Holy Fool

And why do I keep watching cheesy movies, the worst I can find

Sometimes late at night when it’s really hard to just relax, I lay awake wondering about science facts like how we eat and breathe

We were not allowed because it “promoted Eastern Mysticism” if I recall

Not to mention the violence

We didn't win the church raffle in this spot, so that's not the lucky spot. That's the lucky spot!

The Shredder!

The Shredder… taking off his mask?!

The Shredder without his mask is just some totally ordinary looking dude, maybe in his late 20s, with no specially distinguishing features?!?!

I’m not kidding, here’s some screenshots

Again, this is the very first episode of the very first cartoon, and the masked villain just gets frustrated and takes off his mask so we can all see Shredder is just a regular guy

I don’t even have a punch line, I’m just shook

I still use the Gmail address from when it was invitation-only, I got the invite from a friend on Xanga

I know I should not be expecting rigorous plot logic from my 80s Saturday morning cartoons, but well

It’s not even treated as a big reveal or anything, the mysterious masked villain just gets annoyed and takes off the faceplate so he can rub his face, like you do. And he just looks like? a normal guy? not even any badass scars or anything?

Shouldn’t you spend the whole series building to that?

Apropos of absolutely nothing: I never watched the original Ninja Turtles cartoon in the 80s, so when I saw it on streaming I put the first episode on for grins, and….

In the very first episode the Shredder takes off his mask? And shows his whole face? And he’s just an ordinary looking dude?

Wut?!

on the Gingerbread Roof

[Exit Murderer.]

Political Commentary Bot is Undefeated, cont’d.

me: why didn’t Ariel just write a note to the Prince after she lost her voice to let him know what Ursula did to her? i mean she signed the contract so we know she can write

pharmacist: i meant questions about the medication

With my rescue kitty it turned out to be fleas, i.e. the kitty was over grooming to try to stop the itch.

While we are waiting for the celebrities to fall into our Celebrity Trap, let’s sing some hymns! Turn to #OSCARS hymn no. next:

(Ding ding POO. Ding ding POO.)
You know what’s good?
What’s better than beans?
(Ding ding POO. Ding ding POO.)
Everyone wants to
Say what I mean!
(Ding ding pu pu POO.)

We already have Will Smoth in an enchanted box so he won’t hit anyone, but the other celebrities haven’t arrived yet. You’d think they would all want to be fashionably early, after the Oh Don’t You Do It For Me Betsy incident. The #OSCARS were almost spoiled, and we don’t want them having tantrums.

Unlike most other awards ceremonies like the Golden Globs or even the Academy Awards, Lorne Michaels is the only person allowed to nominate anyone for the #OSCARS. Nobody knows why. For other shows it can be as many as four people and Meryl Streeeeeep. Lorne’s enemies, who are few, say it isn’t so.

Oh crepe, is it the #OSCARS tonight? I forgot to leave out the Junior Mints on the mantelpiece for Lorne Michaels! Now my house may be neglected when he delivers honey biscuits to all the good little actors of the world. What a to-do.

If you want to know the true measure of a man, ask his tailor

ME: I’d like to buy a vowel

POST OFFICE WORKER: what?

ME: Isn’t this where you get letters

Pumpkin Spice Dictator

What are benches less than six feet apart?

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

back in my day, beans used to be a lot cooler

Chotiner: You've made the claim that no one has ever fed you in your life.
My Cat: Maow.
Chotiner: Yet there's food in your dish right now.
My Cat: Maow.
Chotiner: Let's change the subject to the ripped-open bag of sandwich bread on the floor.
My Cat: Maow.
Chotiner: I have read different things.

Pumpkin Spice Storage-Battery Grid

Pumpkin Spice Hillary

Pumpkin Spice Political Incorrectness

Well we did promise *every* noun