St. Simeon the Holy Fool

I'm on my way to Fargo with escargot as my cargo.

Use the word escargot in a sentence !

Escargot beep beep, atcargo honk.

I enjoy fusion cuisine! For instance, if you put together two cheeseburgers, you get a “double cheeseburger.”

Remember, member, it’s almost November, and tonight is Daylight Shavings Day! SPRING into action, FALL for a lie!

Christmas Eve For Miss Advertisement (1992): In this homebound story, a man called Mr. Husband discovers the true meaning of Christmas, family, and a choir: It's a commercial!

An Amnesiac Elf'S Gift (1993): Can a man raised as an elf Skype with a letter from the Muppets? Find out in this evil special!

Armored Oscar Meyer Weinermobile

I think they’re only teenagers

ninjas are lizardmen. "ninja" is an oppressive class, like adult people or allosexual people.

It *might* not be Honey, I Shrunk The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This is a live tweet of something, but I’m not telling it (that would be a spoilers)

Giant things become small with this one simple trick (gettin bigger than them)

what the dog doin

ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”

WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney

“but why should I take so much time to—“ brother I’m sure if you try really hard you can come up with your own reasons for being kind to others

PSA. This takes ten or twenty seconds to do and makes your posts infinitely more accessible for anyone who is using a screen reader.

You can flip a switch in settings to remind you not to post images without it. If an image has text, you can copy and paste it right from the screen.

Easy peasy!

Reminds me of the dancehall run by a man called Saffron.
Two angels attend and on their way back to heaven, one says “Wait, I left my harp in Saffron’s disco“

All I Want For Thanksgiving Is Wedding Bells (2013): A homeless boyfriend and a frozen girl decide to do a house swap to be able to plan a wedding for the Christmas pageant.

The best alt text tip I’ve ever gotten is: what would you say if you were describing this picture to somebody over the phone?

Political Commentary Bot Is Undefeated, cont’d.

And some days, the jokes just write themselves

Pumpkin Spice Boycott

What is Yakety Yak?

A sign reads "Please wait patiently for the failure of the system" with Chinese characters above.

our patience has been rewarded

Pumpkin Spice Lipitor

My diner has a sandwich called “The Usual” that is turnips and beets and hoisin sauce. Interestingly, many people choose to order it exactly once!

Pumpkin Spice Balm Of Gilead

Pumpkin Spice Seasoned Salt

It’s not even a *good* haiku

Meme triptych of Duke Leto and Paul Atreides Text: We must not make a machine in the likeness of a human mind. Why not? Because people are fucking idiots, Paul. They're just... incredibly stupid.