Simon

I wish I had someone to talk too much to about the #WNBAplayoffs because I'm going crazy by myself over here

Do you think we will start to see a lot of babies born in 2025 with names like Magan or Maggae because their parents are dumb?

RubHub is both a terrible typo, but a compelling business idea.

We are all going through enough already without this on top of it all. It's just too much.

the worst part about this whole CEO cheating at a Coldplay concert is that now Coldplay will be relevant again.

It's me, the Boss of AT&T.

Idk what Mike is up to, but I just can't get my lemonade hard.

Everyone is always like "sweet dreams!" But what if you prefer savory dreams?

If it's as cold as a witches tit, when it's hot, is it as hot as a warlocks ballsack?

Fashion is only for people who aren't absurdly sweaty

Why did the Hawaiian Rolls get arrested?

For in-slider trading.

If the new Pope is from Chicago, I bet he used to do improv.

He's gonna be at the Vatican playing Scenes From a Zucchetto.

Can't believe we have to wait 48 hours for Pope pizza, what is the discount for it taking longer than 30 minutes?

Screw going to the gym, I got a 1cm skin tag removed from my leg. I'm beach body ready.

When I feel like overindulging I go to the Old Country Warren Buffett

This'll be the 4th Pope reboot during my lifetime. These sequels are getting out of hand.

Tbh, describing someone as "having risen" is a real good way of saying they got high as balls.

Pfft, it'll be a good Friday when it's 5:01pm, not a moment before.

Babies are always like "goo goo gaga" but babies in New York are like "ayyy I'm a baby here! Googoo gabagool"

TIL that there's a big difference between "she plays along with my stupid bits during the course of my doctor visit" and more simply saying "she plays with my bits"

Why does every Prius sound like it's barely hanging on?

Does the JD in JD Vance stand for Jiant Dickhead?

Let's say you're someone who is a little stupid but interested in trying 3D printing.

What type would you suggest for your sort of dumb but curious friend? (It's me)

Just starting #thetraitor and my favorite part is how they say MARDARED

I liked it, but I don't like it.

I am a human polar bear by now

If you're wondering who the crazy white person is wearing shorts today in Chicago because it's 50⁰ out, hi. It's me. I'm the crazy white person.

Sure, I'll sleep when I'm dead, but also as much as humanly possible while I'm alive.

Everyone surprised Meta laid off a bunch of people and lied about why and is surprised by it... lol when has Zuck been an ethical cool guy for the people?