Michelle

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about perfect tacos.

Don't forget to move your clocks ahead 1 hour before you go to bed Saturday night.
Also, on an unrelated time note, a treadmill minute is longer than a microwave minute. 😊

Me: Time to be better with my finances.
Friend: You could stop clothes shopping so much.
Me: Not like that.

My emotional support animal is just a rotisserie chicken.

Did your mom ever make you peanut butter and jelly on leftover hot dog buns?

[taco bell 2am] *quite drunk*
Me: “Nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras, please.”

This dude in Sephora told his wife, "Just get whatever you want" and I swear heads everywhere turned.

MAGA Cultists...

🤣😅😂

If you think I'm rude, you should hear the narrator in my head. She's absolutely unhinged.

Makes perfect sense to me...

Trump Officials Attended a Summit of Election Deniers Who Want the President to Take Over the Midterms The meeting’s participants included Kurt Olsen, a White House lawyer charged with reinvestigating the 2020 election, and Heather Honey, the Department of Homeland Security official in charge of electi...

If you read one article today, read this one!
Come November, it may be the story that matters most.
www.propublica.org/article/elec...

"Barron Trump BARRED from army conscription with unusual medical exemption amid Iran war"

Like father, like son. What a pussy.

Technically, I don’t need caffeine to function. I just prefer not to test that theory on innocent bystanders.

Me: *puts on socks*
My Apple Watch: Would you like to record this workout?

Meanwhile, stranded Americans calling the State department hotline are advised "not to rely on the US government for evacuation."

I may not be three raccoons in a raincoat, but I still have no business walking the aisles of Sephora unattended.

Jessie’s Girl was released 43 years ago. So, if she’s still watching him with those eyes, she’s got readers on. I just know it.

Why do people keep voting for them????
(Something about trans kids playing tennis I think...)

Curiously, none of Trumps relatives have served. Not great grandpa, grandpa, dad, him, his sons, his brothers. Not one.

Why do I have to buy a wedding gift? You're getting married and have two incomes now. Get ME a gift.

I don’t want a “stable & rewarding life”. I want to wear a cloak, live in the woods & eat 12 times a day like a hobbit.

Trump doesn’t meet the fallen soldiers, but he'll be happy to stage a photo op at Arlington (where you're not supposed to stage photo ops).

They're doing everything they can to avoid using the word "war." What else would you call countries launching munitions at each other and killing people? A friendly game of dodgeball?

It's all a distraction...

Don't ask how I got these scratches. But on an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

"I probably should’ve just made her a raccoon."
(God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of M&M's I spilled on my chest)

*Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket*
Cop: "Is that a taco in there?"

Trump used a ton of makeup today to cover up the rash, or whatever it is, that was apparent yesterday behind his miraculously healed ear. 🙄

"We Are the Cult"