Michelle

From @dccartoonist.bsky.social

*Chases dog around trying to get a good photo*
(me at any party, ever)

I unfollowed and blocked everyone who isn't secretly a mystical creature pretending to be human. So, if you're seeing this I know.

Artist: de Adder

FAA approved Amazon for drone deliveries in my city. So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

"Who could it be now?"

Republicans told me if I voted for Kamala, we'd get WWIII.
I voted for her and they were right.

Just make up words and say them in a British accent, people think they’re real: Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

My junk drawer is filled with half-used beauty products that never fulfilled their promise.

This is a "special military operation", not a war, I guess.

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster, so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

I tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it.
So yeah, I’m adorable.

Them: "You're beautiful no matter what they say."
Me: "Awww thank y...wait what?"

Yeah but she’s a woman and her laugh is annoying. /s 🙄

I hate how accurate this tweet is.

This was made sixteen years ago, unfortunately it's still relevant.

I just wanna date someone who makes me feel the way I feel when the Amazon driver rings the doorbell.

If we're in a relationship, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on. This is our shirt.

I don’t know why people say Facebook isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men on there.

About the only rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind.

Aged like milk...

The new super weapon unveiled by Iran...Yes, PLEASE!

Lying to my doctor when she asks if I've been sexually active lately by saying "yes" so she doesn’t think I'm lame.

If you want to make me happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

It’s a fucking cult of the dumbest among us.

Remember in school when you played Cowboys and [Native Americans] and you always thought the cowboys were the good guys? Yeah.

I don’t like the idea of penises growing over time, but I also don’t like the idea of them starting out full size. Ultimately, I understand that the right call was made.

If you're having a bad day, just remember that someone is dating your ex right now.